anonymous on August 29, 2011

How do we keep the home fires burning while my husband is deployed with the armed forces?

My husband and I are newly married and he was recently sent to the Middle East with a deployment by the armed forces. How can we keep the home fires burning, sexually, while he's away?

answered by Kat Van Kirk, DHS on August 29, 2011


Thanks so much for writing, I really appreciate your question because it shows a genuine caring for your husband, your relationship, and your future as husband and wife…especially considering the stress you’re under to manage daily life without your husband, and without always knowing about his welfare.

That said, from another perspective, the physical distance between the two of you may provide the opportunity to develop an extra strong bond as a couple, sexually and otherwise.

How can you keep your sex life going while your husband is away? While I’m happy to offer you a few ideas (below), I encourage you to explore your own creativity in expressing yourself to your husband…and inviting him to express himself sexually to you, too.
  • It may sound obvious, but sending love letters (or, erotic messages) is a great way of expressing your passion for someone…whether on your favorite stationary, via email, or by cutting and pasting words and images that reflect the sensuality you share as a couple.
  • Assuming that there are no privacy concerns, you can also send digital photos of yourself (naked or otherwise), or include a glossy photo of you in a snail mail letter.
  • And if you’re comfortable doing so, how about sending him an audio tape of you masturbating, or perhaps an adult video that you might have watched together?
  • Depending on his sexual style and openness, you might also think about sending him a sex toy that’s designed for men.
  • Of course, good old-fashioned phone sex could also provide an opportunity to share an orgasmic moment. And with Skype, you’ll hopefully be able to connect visually from time to time.
  • You might also consider sending your husband an erotic novel or a sexual how-to book, including your notes in the margins about how certain passages resonate with your own sexual fantasies of him.
  • Another idea is that both of you keep your own erotic journal that you periodically exchange and share with each other…it’s a great way to gain insight into one another's sexual psyche, especially as newlyweds.

In other words, the sky’s the limit! Only you and your husband know what kind of communication and play would most inspire you to thoughts of each other…and I defer to you both, to know what kinds of sexual expression are appropriate given any military rules or policies that your husband is subject to.

Bottom line: be yourselves and have fun! I hope that this experience brings you closer together…and that your husband returns safely.

Related Info:



Kat Van Kirk, DHS

Dr. Van Kirk is a clinical sexologist focused on marriage and family therapy. In addition to her website,, she is Associate Professor at The Institute for the Advanced Study of Human Sexuality and Adjunct Professor at Akamai University in Hawaii. Her areas of expertise include STDs (with a particular clinical emphasis on HIV/AIDS), women's sexuality, sexual health and wellness, relationship issues, counseling psychology and addictions. Dr. Van Kirk was educated at The Institute for the Advanced Study of Human Sexuality.

Related Q&A's

can be pregnant without penetrate