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Question:
My girlfriend and I have been together for about 4 months and I'm crazy about her. But when we get to "messing around" it falls short. A physical relationship is not extremely important, but it's good to have there. I would never base a relationship on it, I don't see that as healthy. I try to be a complete gentleman, open doors, jacket over puddles, pull out chairs, by flowers every chance I get, I love doing that stuff for her. She shows me an awesome deal of affection and I reflect it as much as I can back to her. She's a virgin and has been fingered by one guy and received oral from another. I've been intimate with 2 girls and have done everything with both. We've both had numerous partners in just the kissing field. Her and I have been as far as me fingering her. I hate to use this childish terminology but it's the only way I can think of to describe it. I enjoy receiving physical contact, but I LOVE giving it, me going down on a girl is sooooo much better than sex for me. But anyways, when I finger her, she shows absolutely no emotion that she likes it, whatsoever, even when I kiss on her neck, I get no response. She says it feels good but she just doesn't do anything. When the one guy had gone down on her, she said it was horrible. She said that the times she had been fingered, didn't feel all too great, except after a while they had been together, they dated for 2 months, broke up for 8 but he stayed around and then they dated again for 2 months and broke up for good then. Like I said, I'd like to be able to make her feel good, but I don't know what to do. I'd like to think I'm good at this stuff, but I don't really know if I am or not, she says that what I have done does feel good, but I don't know if she's being truthful or just tellin me what I want to hear. Any advice on what I could do would be greatly appreciated. Thanx
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Answer:
by Konstance McCaffree: ()
You sound like a great young man, and she probably really appreciates you so much. I hear your concern and I will try to help you understand her as much as I can. I don't know her, but I am a female who grew up in this culture as well, and I will tell you that we don't ever get reinforced for being sexual and showing our sexual emotions. If she says she is feeling pleasure believe her. What you will need to do is take far more time over the next few months to really get her to relax with the idea that she can respond.
Look at how the culture responds to every female that is sexually responding. They are called a "slut" and many other names. Thus, most girls get the message over and over to not let your body respond. So....it is going to take some time.
In addition, she had an experience before that didn't feel particularly good to her. So, you will need to be patient. Fingering, doing oral sex together are wonderful and are great ways to safely express intimacy and pleasure together. Just keep in mind that she has not been given permission to act. It think the best example is with her old boyfriend, where after months she finally began to feel pleasure.
This is NOT about how good or bad of a "lover" you are and I know you are really affectionate, caring and want to please which is so admirable. It is about the cultural scripts (messages) we get that we internalize and that takes quite some time to reverse or rewrite. She just may not be able to relax and let her body take her away sexually. She has been mandated to keep in control, to make sure she doesn't slip, and as a woman I can really identify with her.
Time is your friend. You are already affectionate and sharing. Just take time with the other stuff. It will come, as your intimacy of the relationship develops.
Feel free to write again as you have questions.Reviewed by: Patricia Fawver Ph.D. in Sexology
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