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Question:
I need to know why I can't orgasm and do not feel anything most of the time when my my partner is inside of me. I feel pain when it is inserted, and then the whole way through, I feel nothing.
But, my partner is always satisfied.
I feel nothing and am scared there could be something wrong with me. I've been having sex for over a few months now, I just recently lost my virginity to my ex boyfriend who always went into me too dry, and never got me wet, and never used a condom.
I hated the feeling.
And if I am with another, I again, feel nothing, unless I lie a certain position.
Can you help me out with all this?
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Answer:
by Konstance McCaffree: ()
Your experience of not having an orgasm is actually quite common for women, especially those who began as you did. When your first partner does not work very hard to please you (goes in dry, doesn't use a lubricated latex condom, etc.) it is very hard to find much pleasure. There is nothing wrong with you that learning together with a partner what feels exciting and good can't help.
Enjoying sex is a lot harder than people think, given all the media messages about how wonderful it is. It is certainly easier for men to find pleasure since the entire vagina surrounds the penis and gives them lots of sensation.
Let me give you some information that may help you. First, the inside lining of the vagina actually doesn't have very many nerve endings, so it is usually not the inside of the vagina that provides much feeling or pleasure for lots of women. The clitoris, on the front of the vulva is one of the places that women find stimulation feels good. That is probably why there are some positions that you have found that you get some positive feelings from.
If you are feeling pain when your partner inserts that can make you tense and therefore not feel all the good sensations that sex play can provide. Here are some specific suggestions and feel free to write back for more:
First, you and a partner need to use lots of water-based lubricant on the penis (over the top of the condom), and on his fingers if he inserts them into the vagina. You should not ever have anything go in there dry, because that is what causes the pain. Dry skin rubbing tightly against dry skin.
Second, you need lots of sex play where the mouth, fingers, body rubbing stimulates the clitoris NOT only the vagina. Too often men focus on putting a penis into the vagina and that often only pleases them, not the female partner. It is all in the technique and communication with the partners about what feels good.
Third, you probably would do better not being on your back where the clitoris is not easily rubbed and the penis going in hits against the bottom of your cervix which also hurts. Women often do better on top where they can direct the sex play.
You can see from all these suggestions that women need to find ways that will please them, instead of only pleasing the male partner. You might want to do some reading on pleasuring women during sex so that you discover that you are not alone in this.
Reviewed by: Patricia Fawver Ph.D. in Sexology
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