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Question:
i am 16 years old and i have 2 concerns. i have never had an orgasm through sex. when i have sex with my boyfriend, i get the feeling like i have to urinate. i heard that this is good and that if you dont think about it you will have an orgasm. is this true? if so, what do i do? also, i am a small, short person, and sometimes when he penetrates real deep, it feels like its really hurting something on the insides. do yo uknow what this could be?
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Answer:
by Larry Siegel: ()
Thanks for taking the time to write in. It's sometimes difficult to get back to people in a timely fashion so please accept my apologies for taking a while. Your question is a very common one for young women, especially those in the process of learning about their own sexual process. Since you mentioned having pain when your boyfriend penetrates you deeply, I would suggest (if you haven't already) making an appointment with a gynecologist just to make sure that everything is physically ok. This is something I recommend to all young women who are just becoming sexually active - it's part of taking responsibility for your own body.
With regard to your not having orgasms through sex, there are a few things to keep in mind. First, not all women can orgasm through intercourse alone. In fact, less than half of all women are able to orgasm this way. Most women need to have some other, usually clitoral, stimulation in order to orgasm. It is true that being able to relax and "let yourself go" are very important in allowing yourself to orgasm. You don't really define exactly what you're doing when you have "sex" with your boyfriend but please keep this in mind: if he is trying to stimulate your clitoris and you get the feeling that you have to urinate, make sure he's actually on your clitoris (gently!) and not stimulating your urethral opening. Believe it or not, this is pretty common when people don't have a really good sense of a woman's sexual anatomy.
I am including a link to a good book and a website about orgasm. Remember, the best way to discover your own sexual pleasure points is to spend time with yourself in the discovery process.
With regard to the pain you feel when your boyfriend penetrates you deeply, assuming all is well physically, a couple of things might be going on. First, make sure you are well-lubricated before he enters you. If you're not, it can be pretty painful. Second, your vagina is only about 4-5 inches deep. If he is penetrating you deeply, especially if he thrusts hard and is bigger than 4-5 inches, he can be hitting the back wall of your vagina, at or around your cervix, and that can also be painful. Along with your being very relaxed and aroused, your vagina being well lubricated, and your boyfriend being more gentle in his thrusting, you can control the penetration yourself and go at a pace and depth that you're comfortable with. Of course, talking with your boyfriend about all of this is important too.
I hope this has given you at least some areas to look at as you're learning about your own sexuality. It may be a cliche to say that "knowledge is power," but sexually speaking, it's the most powerful!
Take care and be well.
Larry Siegel
Reviewed by: Patricia Fawver Ph.D. in Sexology
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