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Question:
I am a 44 year old male and my wife and I have had a very good and regular sex life (on average about twice a week) for about 14 years. However, the last 4 months I've been having intermittent erectile dysfunction, which I think is brought on by feelings of guilt about preferring to do it by myself as I get older. My wife is 50 years old and going through menopause. She tells me she still likes to have sex, although she never seems to want me to help her have an orgasm anymore, like she used to up to about 6 months ago. More and more, I get the feeling that she is just having regular sex with me as a chore to keep me happy and this is putting me off more and more, to the point where I have difficulty keeping my erection going. It is got to the point where I've started having anxiety attacks in the middle of having sex, and my erection goes away, and no matter what she does it won't come back. I ordered some viagra over the net, but I haven't used it yet, because I feel the problem is entirely psychological and not physical. I'm now worried that eventually I'll have to go and have a shower and do it by myself every time I get the urge, and I'll just stop wanting to have sex with my wife altogether as I get older. What should I do?
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Answer:
by Raven James: (01/08/2006)
First of all, erectile dysfunction can have psychological causes, it is not always a physical problem. From what you describe, it sounds as if your dysfunction could be stemming from your anxiety over the changes your wife is going through, although without a total physcial examiniation, I can't say for sure.
Individuals often experience changes in theor libido as they age and go through physical changes, especially menopause. There is certainly nothing wrong with masturbation as long as your values are not in conflict with the behavior. Viagra can work physcially if the individual has the desire, so you may want to try that route first to see if it helps.
Also, 6 months out of a 14 year relationship is not a long time, you may have to be patient with your wife as she goes through this change and adjusts to it. Have you discussed masturbation with your wife? Is she ok with it if you choose to do it once in awhile? If you feel you are experiencing erectile dysfunction over feeling guilty about masturbating, it may help to discuss this with your wife to see if she had an objection to you pleasuring yourself. It is normal in relationships for persons to masturbate and still desire sexual relations with their partners. For some people, this is not ok, but communicating your concerns is a good start and it sounds as if you have had success in discussing sexual concerns with your wife.
What type of relationship counsleor did you see? Did they have experience in sex therapy? If not, it may help to look for a sex therapist rather than a general counselor, as a sex therapist can offer more specific suggestions to work through sexual dysfunction. Hang in there and try to relax. Sometimes stress can affect a persons sexual functioning and it sounds like you are experiencing stress over this change. Good luck and remember to be patient!Reviewed by: Patricia Fawver Ph.D. in Sexology
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