Register to join our community
|
|
Question:
No sexual desire. I am 24 years old and have been with my boyfriend for 8 years. I have no sexual desire. When we do have sex by body "usually" complies but there are times when I physically am not ready.
The information that I have read is directed towards women that are premenopausal- stressed- or suffer from hypertension. I have a busy life but I always have so the only thing that apples to me is the stess But I think it is much more than that.. What can I do whether it be a herbal remedy- medicinal. Please advise.
|
Answer:
by Annette Owens: (05/23/2004)
In your additional information you were telling me that you are very discouraged by your low sexual desire and that you miss the intimacy between the two of you. You have known your boyfriend since age 16 and it sounds as if some of the spark has left your relationship.
How often do you have sex? The normal range is extremely wide and I would like to cite some numbers from a study, "The Social Organization of Sexuality. Sexual Practices in the United States" (1994) by Lauman, E.O. et al.; University of Chicago Press. A more popular version of this book is called "Sex in America. A Definitive Study" (1994) by Michael, R.T. et al.; Warner Books:
The study involved 3,432 men and women from all social, educational, cultural, and religious backgrounds, and living all over the USA. Since participants in the study were chosen randomly by a computer program, the study population is highly representative of the entire nation. Following are the numbers of how often 25-29 year old Americans have sex:
4 or more times per week: men 11%, women 10%;
2 or 3 times a week: men 36%, women 37%;
A few times per month: men 31%, women 38%;
A few times per year: men 15%, women 10%;
Not at all: men 7%, women 5%.
So as you can see from these numbers the normal range for how often people have sex is very wide. But it can become a problem if the two partners are on opposite ends of the spectrum. Is that the case for the two of you? I recommend having a frank discussion with your boyfriend about how often you would like to have sex. It is not the quantity of sex that counts, but the quality of your sexual relationship.
You may be able to bring some of the spark back into your relationship and to get re-connected by doing some exercises called "sensate focus exercises." They are best done in several steps following detailed instructions from a sex therapist. But you can also try to do them on your own: Make an agreement with your boyfriend that the two of you will not have any intercourse and not achieve orgasms for a while. There are no goals of intercourse or reaching orgasm. The goal is to explore each other's bodies and to have fun. Get some nice massage oils, and try to arrange a time, where you both are rested and relaxed. Try to arrange a nice setting for both of you. Undress as much as you feel comfortable and take turns giving each other a massage of all areas of your body except the genitals and your breasts/nipples. Start out lying on your back, and then turn over. Try to spend at least 1/2 hour on each other, and enjoy caressing different areas of your bodies. The person, who is receiving the massage, should try to let the other person know what feels good and what doesn't. It is fine to masturbate if one or both of you want to.
It is the idea to take small steps every time and after a while to also include the genital areas. You both may find these exercises very pleasurable, and you may get a different attitude towards sex, which not necessarily has to include intercourse, but can involve giving each other pleasure simply by exploring and caressing each other's bodies. Try to be inventive and make it a fun exploration of each other. You can include objects such as feathers or you may want to cover each other with whipped cream and lick it off if this appeals to you. Only your imagination is a limiting factor for what you can do.
Why not enter the new millennium with a fresh approach? You may find that your sex drive improves once you change your lovemaking routine.
Happy New Year and good luck!
Annette Owens, MD PhD
Reviewed by Sexual Health Editorial Team
|
This question appears in the following topics:
|
|
|
|
