Answer:
by Seth Prosterman: (06/05/2004)
I see many couples where one complains of a loss of sexual desire. I believe that this is quite a normal circumstance with the context of longer term, committed relationships. This is often indicative of a growth and development issue for BOTH members of the relationship. You mentioned that she does become aroused, though her arousal is short-lived. I believe that she has the potential for arousal, but that she is blocking this arousal either consciously or subconsciously. It is further evidence that there are unresolved issues within both of you and in the relationship that you both need to deal with. Sex is a window into the relationship and into each one of you. The challenge is to explore, understand and deal with the issues that underlie the sexual symptoms in the relationship.
While most people say that they want more intimacy in their relationships, the fact is that human beings can only tolerate a certain level of intimacy. The level of intimacy tolerance is based on each individual’s level of personal growth and development (maturity; sense of self; self-worth; ability to validate themselves, etc.). Lack of sexual desire may be a way of keeping the intimacy in the relationship at a tolerable level. In order to increase the level of intimacy and passion in your relationship, each one of you needs to self-confront and begin to explore areas of personal growth that will allow you to develop the capacity for more intimacy. I believe that this is a universal for couples in committed relationships. For more information about this area, please read, “Passionate Marriage,” by David Schnarch, Ph.D.
It is important to note that some women complain of a subjective loss of sexual desire on birth control pills. Has her loss of sexual desire coincided with her use of “the pill?” If so, your girlfriend should consult with her gynecologist and perhaps try another brand of pills.
Essentially, dealing with these issues are natural, integral and important aspects regarding both of your developmental processes. You may be on the way to having more a more healthy relationship with yourselves, and as a consequence, a more satisfying, fun, intimate and passionate relationship. Such concerns may be best dealt with in couple’s therapy. Dealing with these issues will be anxiety producing and/or painful at times, but it is anxiety that fuels the growth process. Finding a therapist to help you along may be helpful. Here are a few links: www.sexologist.org and www.passionatemarriage.com Reviewed by Sexual Health Editorial Team
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