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Question:
I have always had considerable difficulty in achieving orgasm. At first I thought I just hadn't found a partner that knew what he was doing, but I have been in a few intimate relationships and there has never really been a difference. I have never reached orgasm through sex, but I know that this is actually fairly common in women. But I also have never reached orgasm through oral sex or manual stimulation by a partner. I have however recently acquired a vibrator. I can orgasm only through use of the vibrator (using it externally), and only if I have my legs closed tightly, and contract my legs, thighs, and muscles in my pubic region. I am currently in a relationship with a partner who I am very comfortable with and is very sensitive to my needs and has taken time to just focus on me and try to help me orgasm through oral sex, but stimulation of my clitoris orally or with hands does not really "do anything" for me, and I often find clitorial stimulation to feel irritating / uncomfortable. I have no problem with communicating with my partner during sex, but I do not know what to tell him to do since I have not really found a way to have the build-up to an orgasm other than the previously mentioned way with my vibrator. I know that sex is not just about reaching orgasm, and I do enjoy sex with my partner without it, but it is an aspect of sexuality that I would like to incorporate into my sex life with my partner. Could this be an actual physical / medical problem, or is there something else I should be doing? Thanks!
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Answer:
by Raven James: (06/26/2005)
Well, it sounds as if you have done a lot of research and experimentation with this issue, and it may just be a matter of time before you are able to have an orgasm with your partner. If you can focus on the particulars of how you achieve orgasm with the use of your vibrator (legs tightly closed, etc), it may help to try to copy the same movements during intercourse. Some women cannot achieve orgasm while the partner is on top of them. Have you tried the woman on top position? Gravity pulls the blood flow downward, and being on top of your partner during intercourse may assist you in this matter, as the blood will flow into your clitoral area more efficiently in this position. Also, while you are in this position, try experimenting with tightening your legs, etc. as you move. Has your partner used the vibrator with you? You may be able to incorporate the vibrator during intercourse, experimenting with different positions, etc. as well. Don't give up, and don't be hard on yourself. It may take some time and more patience. See if any of these suggestions help you get closer to your goal, but don't be in a big hurry! Pressure can cause anxiety, and this can inhibit orgasm as well. Good luck!Reviewed by: Patricia Fawver Ph.D. in Sexology
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