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Question:
My question concerns an inability to orgasm during manual stimulation.
I know little about where the clitoris actually is, but have engaged in enough
"exploration" to be come frustrated with the whole thing. I don't know what
to tell my boyfriend when he asks, "Is that the spot?" because there are many
spots that feel good - I just don't know if one of them is the clitoris itself.
Basically, I just frustrated and a bit worried because I haven't been able to
"find" anything on my own. You may suggest oral stimulation, but I'd like to
find things manually first. What am I supposed to do?
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Answer:
by Melissa BEE: ()
Hello, thank you for this great question. Humans don't come with instruction manuals. All of us need to learn what is where (in other words a map) and how it all works. Each time I write an article or answer a challenging question I often learn something new, and I find that exciting. Don't feel you have to automatically know everything - nobody does. Why do you think so many people go into medicine?
The first thing I did was look online to try and find you some pictures and clinical descriptions of female anatomy. See the links on the side > for those.
Now that you have a map, there are some other things you should know:
Where the clitoris IS and what may feel good, does not necessarily mean the same thing. There are many kinds of orgasms, and how your orgasm feels will change over your lifetime and is affected by many factors including your health, whether or not you have had children, your age, medication and other factors.
It is not unusual for many young women to be anorgasmic (do not orgasm at all) or to only be able to have a clitoral orgasm by direct stimulation. By the 20s to 30s these same women may be experiencing both vaginal and clitoral orgasms, and by their 30s and 40s may also be lucky enough to have what is called a g-spot orgasm, or ejaculate. Some women may have all, some may have none, and one young lady told me this morning how she orgasms just sitting at her desk, tightly holding her legs together and fantasizing.
Your further information also tells me that you are virginal and waiting until marriage to experience intercourse. Whether or not you are penetrated, you are still having sex.
While I admire your principles, trying to achieve a clitoral orgasm while being tense about any likely penetration - either by fingers or whatever, deliberately or accidentally will no doubt make you anxious and LESS likely to orgasm anyway.
A part of the process of enjoying sex is being RELAXED. If you simply want to arouse yourself then you may need to look at friction type activities, and further exploration on your part. Get yourself a small hand held mirror, and get down there and have a good look.
I tell young women to explore, to look and touch and feel. Use a soft jelly dildo or a vibrator (you don't have to insert it)- use lubrication. Experiment with what feels good. Lie on your bed naked, and touch and feel and enjoy. When you know what feels good, you are more able to instruct your potential husband.
Good Luck!
Melissa BEEReviewed by: Patricia Fawver Ph.D. in Sexology
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