There are a number of reasons why a person might not desire sex. It could be indicative of problems in the relationship (are you guys getting along alright otherwise?). It could be biological or related to her mental or physical health (a doctor can check things like hormone levels, etc... does she have any other indicators of depression, for instance?). It may be because sex isn't all that enjoyable for her (does she have orgasms, does she find sex painful, etc?) Or, it may simply be that there is a discrepancy in sex drives. She may just have a low sex drive in general.

None of these things is a hopeless case. The first thing I think you should do is acknowledge and discuss that the lack of sex is an issue for you. However, don't do it in a threatening way. By that I mean don't blame her for the problems or say it in a way that makes her feel like its her fault.

I do not think that any member of a loving relationship should have to go without sex to prove his or her love. On the other hand, I do understand what it is like to feel as if you are being used for sex, and that may be how she is feeling. So you need to make her understand that your interest in her and love for her is not ALL about sex. Explain that you love her very much and that sex is only part of that package. You may want to tell her other reasons you love her, too, so that she knows where you are coming from and what you value about her.

Once the two of you are able to agree that this is a problem in the relationship, you should both take responsibility for solving it. That may mean asking her what she needs and wants from you, and telling her what you need and want as well. It may mean that she should go to the doctor to see if she is physically and emotionally ok. It may mean you learning some new techniques in the bedroom to make sex more fun for her. It may mean that you all realize there are other problems in the relationship and seeing a counselor.

I do think this is something that any strong relationship can work through, and I wish you the best in it!

Blaise

Reviewed by: Scott Gross M. Ed.