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I have been married for 9 months, and my wife and I have been together for almost 5 years in total (I am 24 and she is 23). When my wife and I met, we were always "fooling around" and this lasted for probably 6-9 months (we didn't have sex until just before we got married). She lived with her parents and had her own private part of her house. We never had to worry about anyone coming in when we were intimate. Once she and her parents moved to a new house, our privacy was gone and she was always worried about someone coming in. In addition, she is very prone to bladder and yeast infections. Because of the move and her freguent female problems, she has had basically no sex drive.
We have had talked about her low/no sex drive, and she has started to second-guess us now. She wishes she had a sex drive and is worried that there is a bigger reason that she doesn't have one. She has started to wonder if there is some one else out there (besides me) who she would have that drive with again. She has never had an orgasm with anyone and never masterbated. We both have only had one sexual partner (eachother). She is worried that she once had it, but now it is gone.
Last weekend, she went out drinking with some people from graduate school. I was out of town. She and her male friend from school ended up too drunk to drive home. They took a cab back to his place until they could sober-up. She thought she was going to get sick, and ended-up laying in his bed. She said that he laid besider and he gently rubbed her back in hopes of making her feel better. He then made a move on her and she didn't stop him. He "fingered" her for less than a minute and they kissed. As soon as she realized what had happened, she said she was only thinking that she was going to lose me. This was last weekend.
Obviously, I was crushed when she told me. She has never done anything like this and she is the last person I would expect this from. We have sex probably once or, at most, twice a week, and I always initiate it. We don't usually have any foreplay (not my decision) and we usually only do the missionary position (she bled once when on top).
I have a theory on what is wrong, but I want your advice. I think that when she moved a few years ago coupled with her female problems, we got out of the habit of the foreplay things (oral sex, fingering, etc...). We didn't do them and she lost interest in them. Plus, she doesn't really get too excited during sex and as I mentioned, she has never had an orgasm. It makes sense to me that she doesn't want to do anything. She doesn't really get any pleasure out of sex, and we don't really do the other things that are really pleasing to a woman. Since she has never had an orgasm, she really doesn't have anything to look forward to during sex. This would explain the doubts she has now with us. It explains why she thinks there is someone else out there who she could have that desire with.
Even though she didn't sleep with this guy and she and him were both very drunk, it has crushed both her and me. She didn't have an orgasm with this guy either. If she had, I would have really been worried, because that would have meant she may have been more physically attracted or stimulated by him.
I think that if she were to have an orgasm just once with me, she would want to do it again and again. I think it would cure all of her doubts and I think she would get her desire back. We tried foreplay last night and she came close to an orgasm, but as usual it doesn't happen. I can see her frustration. I wouldn't want to have sex either if I never trully enjoyed it. There is obviously something that's blocking her from receiving pleasure from sex and other things. I have forgiven her for what she did and we are seeing professional psychological help this week. We both desparately want things to work.
Are her doubts about us because she isn't really receiving pleausure in sex or foreplay things? It honestly makes me feel better that she has never had an orgasm with anyone else. It's probably not me then.
Can we re-kindle the passion and excitement we had in the beginning or our relationship? I appreciate your time reading this.
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Answer:
by Sandra L. Caron: ()
You say: "She doesn't really get any pleasure out of sex, and we don't really do the other things that are really pleasing to a woman. Since she has never had an orgasm, she really doesn't have anything to look forward to during sex." I think this is a really great point for you to stay focused on - and to ask why she has never learned to touch herself or find pleasure. In terms of seeking professional help - good for you - i think an unbiased listener will be useful. She may be struggling with the marriage - and really wondering if you are her lifetime partner - and if she made the right decision. it will be important to confront those feelings and consider what can be done. In termsof remedying things - I beleive that if you have had the passion and love for one another in the past, you can find them again...it really depends on the motivation. Best wishes. Reviewed by: Patricia Fawver Ph.D. in Sexology
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