Answer:
by Kathleen VanKirk: (10/07/2005)
It sounds as though there are two concerns here: your finding a way to feel more sexy and your wanting to deal with the issue of lack of sex that you and your husband are experiencing.
There seems to be nothing that makes a person more vulnerable and insecure than feeling overweight. Whether it's five pounds or 100, women in particular may feel the same internal negativity regardless of what number pops up on the scale. We can feel ugly and unworthy, which leads to not feeling like we're the glorious sexual beings we are. And then we tend to not only not seek sex out but also overtly discourage sexual encounters. This leads to a vicious cycle of not taking care of ourselves emotionally or physically.
The process of losing weight can be a difficult one. Many women feel that they don't deserve to feel good about themselves and therefore make futile attempts to lose the weight and be healthy. It may seem ironic but the situations I have seen with women (and indeed myself) have shown me that the more you want to lose the weight, the more you need to accept yourself for who you are right now, sexually and otherwise. This means that you must believe that you are a worthy, beautiful, and sexual woman at this very moment regardless of your size. The more you can believe (and behave) in ways that reinforce everything you have to offer yourself, partner, and the world, the more you can cultivate the desire to change and become even more of the person you want to be. For instance, if you accept yourself for every perfection and imperfection, the more you can believe that you do deserve a better life; to be healthy and sexually satisfied, the more you can dedicate yourself to making a diet and exercise program work. Or the more you get in touch with your true self, the more you'll be able to set realistic goals for your weight loss and all the while over the course of months of embarking on this path to giving yourself a better life, you'll also be able to love yourself and feel sexual and beautiful at the same time.
You shouldn't have to sacrifice your sexuality until you're at the "appropriate" weight to enjoy it. Believe in yourself and enjoy it now. Decide to exercise and embrace your right to be healthy and don't put so much pressure on reaching a magic number. Get back in touch with yourself by masturbating. You can reward yourself through experiencing the pleasure you deserve.
Now, I realize that this is only part of the equation. You still have a concern about the way your husband is relating to you sexually. My suggestion is that you get everyone's feelings out on the table to sort through. I have found that couples spend way too much time guessing. The preference would be that you could both get honest with one another in a constructive way. Let him in on what you think has been going on with your sex lives and that you're now on a path to loving and taking care of yourself more fully. Get his feedback on what he's been experiencing.
Granted, his feedback may be hard to hear, to the tune of "Yes, I haven't been feeling as attracted to you because of the weight." But this does not mean that he doesn't love you or that he can't still feel sexual towards you. Many times (without a word) partners sense how badly you're feeling about yourself and the negativity about your body and sexuality. They often will begin to adopt the same view without even realizing..."Why should I even attempt to be sexual with her when I know she'll just shut me down." It could be that many partners are shutting themselves off sexually as well because they know they're only going to get rejected.
So, I do believe that by feeling better about yourself your partner will sense this too.
Perhaps once you've talked through where you're at, his part can be giving you support in and out of the bedroom: helping you to be both physically and sexually healthy. And your part can be embracing what your body is still capable of, seeing beauty in every curve and translating that into ways to really taking care of yourself. You can even show him that you're still interested in sex by seducing him for a change and both of you can work on making time to be sexual regardless of what circumstances are going on in your life. I've seen couples who've been able to do this not only grow sexually, but also strengthen their emotional bonds with one another. Weight may come and go in any long-term relationship but embracing yourself sexually and emotionally can be a constant regardless.
Copyright 2005 Libida.com and Dr. Kathleen Van Kirk Reviewed by: Kathleen VanKirk DHS
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