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Question:
how do I help my mild MR 10 year old son learn that the behavior that was done to him at camp is not the correct way to behave. we have talked about it over and over, and he says he understands that the other person did something wrong, and he did not, but i'm not sure it wouldn't happen again at some time. he is very passive, and wants to make friends, but in our small rural community they classmates don't want anything to do with him unless they have to. I try to occupy him with activities and give him feelings of self-worth, but I know I will not always be around for him. we have no local resources in our area, and the counselling we went to to deal with the molestation and expoitation only seemed to want to talk about my childhood, etc. i do have guilty feelings because i convinced him to go to this camp and it was his first time away from home. he didn't want to go at first.
please advise.
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Answer:
by Larry Siegel: (06/18/2004)
I can understand your frustration and concerns. Abuse and exploitation of the the developmentally delayed or disabled are far too common occurrcences. The first thing I need to ask is, have you spoken to the camp directors and filed a complaint? Have you spoken with any authorities in your town or county? I don't believe this is something that should be kept quiet. It may also be helpful for your son to see that other people know it's wrong too.
Since so much of our society de-sexualizes the mentally retarded, it is important for you to really be his educator. I would suggest that you
try and teach a few basic things to your son about sex and his body. The most important messages to convey are:
1) that his genitals are private (and really emphasize what privacy is, including possible exceptions - ie, the doctor or you when necessary)
It is important to let him know that no matter what other people say, it's never OK for them to touch his private areas. It's the good touch/bad touch lesson.
2) reinforcing the privacy message, you can also teach him very basic information about his penis. If he understands, even somewhat, that his body is meant to do certain things (and not do certain things), he can better understand concepts like protection and taking care of his body.
3) no matter what anyone says, there is no such thing as a secret when it involves inappropriate touching. Reinforce that you are the one who really loves him most and even if other people threaten them, he must tell you.
These basic messages need to be reinforced continually. Sometimes it's helpful to role play, act out some of the situations. It can be a fun activity and you can teach him important lessons. Also, don't worry about whether you're teaching him enough or too much. The important thing is the continued reinforcement of the messages.
A place to start might be to get online and do as much searching as you can to find information on sexual abuse/prevention for the mentally retarded. For several years, I have worked with organizations like UCP and ARC to develop programs around this. You might be able to contact them yourself and find some resources that will help you teach your son (as well as seeking support for yourself). It might also be helpful to get the book, It's Perfectly Normal, by Robie Harris. I like it because it's a very simple explanation of basic reproductive and body function, meant for young children. I also know Planned Parenthood affiliates have developed curriculums and programs on sexuality education and the developmentally disabled/delayed. In particular, the education departments of PLanned Parenthoods in Shasta Diego (California) and Central/Northern and Southern Arizona have developed these tools that might help you work with your son. You can contact them through the Planned Parenthood Federation website.
I wish you the best of luck and I hope you're able to get through this. Take care and be well.
Larry SiegelReviewed by Sexual Health Editorial Team
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