Register to join our community
|
|
Question:
My childhood through pre-teen years was filled with multiple acts of abuse by alot of different men. It all started around the age of 5 with my grandfather. This was really confusing to me, I didn't know what it was. It occured almost every night no matter if my grandmother was in the same room or not, he always found a way. I thought this was the way it was suppose to be so I didn't do or say anything. As the years went he made me have real intercourse and soon it became credit/payment for the things I wanted or needed.
Around the age of 8 I finally got the nerve to tell my grandmother. Of course like many she didn't accept it. So, nothing changed. 2 summers later my cousin who is a year younger came up to visit. She was't around much so she had no idea about these family skeletons. Untill the day he tried to force himself on her. I didn't stand for it. Every time he would confront her I put myself up for the duty. She didn't need this to happen her mother just died. I found out prior to her visit that it just wasn't me but also my mom,sisiter,aunts,and uncles. So this made me more determined to protect her and the neice I have.Yeah, I could have told authorities but my grandmother depended on his income and so did I. He died when I was 13 and that wasthe happiest day of my life yet I still felt the pain of loosing him.
Another person was my father. I still haven't anyone about this. I didn't see my father much growning up so when I would go off and stay with him I was just enjoying the time we were sharing.I would be asleep and he would take my hand and use like it was a masterbation tool. I would wake up but still pretend to be sleeping.There were times when he knew I was awake but that didn't matter.To me it was something I was already use to. I just kept quite I wouldn't even say anything to him. He is still a little to friendly with his hugs and kisses but I just walk Away.
Then there was a youth football coach that enjoyed rubbing all over an 11 year old body.No one knows this either.And then a mexican that I worked with. And a 40 year old that was friends with my girlfriend's parents.I was 13 and passed out.I tried fighting him off but that was pleasure to him.That same night he raped my friend to.The police were called and they got our stories but they didn't gat enough to charge him.
Having experienced this I thought that I was just a sex item for anyone who wanted it. That my reason for being put on this earth was to please the male species.So having this in mind I began having sexual activity with anybody.When I was 14 I got engaged.He was 20 but if the guy wasn't atleast 18 I had nothing to do with them.Well anyway I have had sex with about 43 guys and I'm 19 and numerous oral.
Now I have met a guy who I want to share my life with and there are fears that I may not be able to concieved and this is a problem. Do you think that these occurances could be the cause? Also I am in disbielf that I would live the way I did and made the decisions that I made. I feel like I degraded myself. You know I look back at all this and I try to put it behind but I just hide it for a period of time. Am I ever going to be able to completly happy about who I am?
|
Answer:
by Wendy Maltz: (06/06/2004)
Sadly, it’s not uncommon for a victim of childhood sexual abuse, like yourself, to get revictimized multiple times. You grew up in a climate of abuse. The people who should have protected you, failed to protect. Your family both perpetrated and tolerated on-going sexual abuse. Adolescent promiscuity is very understandable given your history. It’s often not until a victim grows old enough to live an independent lifestyle that she realizes she now has a choice, and starts thinking about herself and her sexuality in new, healthy ways. The good news is that you have met someone you obviously admire and with whom you want to share your life.
I recommend you pursue counseling for sexual abuse recovery. You need to overcome your feelings of self-blame and improve your self-esteem. Trust, anger, family relations, are all important issues to address. In addition, focus some healing work on developing a new understanding of sex, your sexuality, and sexual relating. Sexual healing provides good insurance against further abuse and unhappiness, and lays a foundation for a healthy intimate life with the person you love. Your recovery work will also help you become a good parent to your own children--able to protect them from harm and teach them about healthy relationships and sexuality, as well.
In terms of your question about conception, I recommend you consult a gynecologist who specializes in infertility diagnosis and treatment. Though it is fairly rare, child sexual abuse can sometimes cause infertility. This may be due to past infections which caused scarring of tissues, or result from trauma to the sexual organs. If a problem exists, there is a good chance that a successful treatment can be found.
Reviewed by Sexual Health Editorial Team
|
This question appears in the following topics:
|
|
|
|
