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Question:
I am a 20 year old guy and have been seriously dating this girl, whom i love very much, but seem to be having some sexual difficulties with for about 5 months now. We have been together now for over a little over a year and and knew eachother for many years before hand. The problem basically is that I would like to keep thing interesting and fun in our sex life, by doing it in different places, and in different positions. She seems to be very insecure about doing some of this and I don't quite understand why. She also says she feels bad about how she doesn't feel like she can open up to do different things to keep my happy. I don't want this turning into something too big to where it becomes a major issue but I do want to just keep our sex life interesting and try new things. How can I get her to be more comfortable with trying new things and open up?
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Answer:
by Raven James: (01/25/2006)
Thanks for your question, I will try to give you some insight into the situation so you can find an answer. It seems like a situation where you want your girlfriend to experiment and try new things, but then are frustrated when she won't or can't. I am assuming her age is close to yours? Was she a virgin when you got together? How much sexual experience did she have? The answers to these questions may shed some light on the situation.
For many women, having a limited sexual background can be threatening or intimidating when the partner wants to try new things. She may be scared and ashamed to admit it. She may not even be aware of it herself. What is her religious background and strength of religious belief? Some religions have strong taboos against sexual experimentation, especially outside the realm of marriage. It doesn't even have to be a conscious decision on her part, only a feeling of guilt that she may not even be able to identify.
As far as being female, some women are raised hearing strong messages about how they are and are not supposed to act. Families can be very strict and punishing for daughters who go against the grain or break the sometimes unspoken rules. Beliefs such as "nice girls don't", and "bad girls do" can become internalized and affect sexual functioning and relationships. Associating sexual experience with "bad girls", "sluts" and "whores" can be a common message that girls hear and are exposed to growing up, by both families, religion and culture. Other things that could affect the situation could be sexual abuse issues. Often, women who were raped or victims of sexual abuse have difficulties in establishing loving trusting relationships for years. I don't know what your girlfriends background or expereince is, but these are some issues you may want to consider.
Are you bored sexually in the relationship? She may be satisfied, and it is also possible you may be pushing her before she is ready. Feeling pressured to perform can create stress and inhibition in some people, causing them to pull away, feel bad, or not be able to talk about it. There could be so many reasons. It sounds as if you are trying to be patient, maybe if you backed off with trying to get her to talk about it, and found one small thing you could get her to try, you could go from there. I have found if people keep obsessing with something, it can become bigger than it needs to. She may be overwhelmed, and if you can break it down into smaller activities, or behaviors, and try one small thing differently every couple of months, she would feel less pressured and come around.
What types of things have you suggested? Some types of behaviors can be threatening for women, like, sex in a public place, or watching pornography. Maybe something like sex in a different place in the house, or a different position or with the lights on, or with candles or incense, would be less threatening. Women often respond to romantic gestures, so if you could get creative and try to find some romantic twists to your approach she may respond more positively, like flowers, or a soak together in a bubble bath with candles. She may just be very traditional, and insecure at your knowledge and desires. Be patient, maybe some of what I described can open up different avenues for discussion and you can both figure it our from a different angle. Good luck. I wish you the best.Reviewed by: Patricia Fawver Ph.D. in Sexology
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