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Question:
At 41 I have never had sexual intercourse. The idea of getting a PAP smear scares me to death. I tighten up at the thought of any coming near my vagina, although I have never had a problem with orgasms. What can I do? I don't feel "normal".
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Answer:
by Annette Owens: (05/26/2004)
I always accept anyone's conscious decision about not wanting to have sex. However, it appears as if you are having strong fears about having your vagina touched. You said in your additional information that this has been the case for as long as you remember. Your fear does have negative consequences for your health, since you are unable to undergo an important preventative health exam, the Pap smear. Furthermore, it seems to affect your life in other ways as well, since you have never had intercourse.
I would suggest for you to seek counseling. A sex therapist can probably help you to get to the bottom of your fears about having your vagina touched. Often such fears are founded in past negative sexual experiences, such as unwanted touching, fondling, or other improper sexual acts by someone else, but this is not always the case and other reasons may apply. If you ever have had any negative sexual experiences, I recommend reading Wendy Maltz' book "The Sexual Healing Journey" in order to understand how this can affect your life and what you can actively do to improve your present situation. Wendy Maltz also is an expert on our site and she has a website www.HealthySex.com.
A sex therapist can work with you to help you relieve or overcome the tension which you are feeling around your genitals. You may be able to find a good counselor in your local area by contacting the American Association of Sex Educators, Counselors, and Therapists (AASECT) at www.aasect.org. If there are no specialists near you, another type of health professional might be able to help you as well. You can address the topic with a physician, who can discuss your problem with you and possibly refer you to a specialist. It may be very difficult for you to take the necessary steps to seek help, but you have already taken the first move by contacting us at The Sexual Health Network and I do want to congratulate you on being forthcoming with your concern. Health professionals are trained 1) to listen, 2) to talk about issues which you might find embarrassing and 3) to help you.
How does this affect your self-confidence and your social life? I am happy to hear that you are able to experience orgasms. That is very positive and important to emphasize.
Wishing you the best of luck with everything,
Annette Owens, MD PhD
Reviewed by Sexual Health Editorial Team
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