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Question:
My partner is 48 yrs old and I am 33. We have been together 3 yrs. He has no sexual desire. There is lots of cuddling, and closeness, but no passion on his part. I find him very attractive. We have talked about this, and he can't tell me why; he says he thinks I'm sexy. I have tried everything. This is a big hurdle in our relationship, it makes me cry and very very sad. I'm getting to the point where I just want to leave. Do you have any advice? If you need more insight, please let me know.
Desperate and Tired.
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Answer:
by Seth Prosterman: ()
You mentioned a number of health concerns, but did not mention who has which. Diabetes, MS and depression have the potential to adversely affect sexual desire and sexual function. Please try to rule out these health issues as causal factors for some of his lack of sexual desire.
Having said that, sexual desire problems are a fact of life for many persons in long term committed relationships. They are often a normal part of the growth and developmental process for BOTH individuals and for the relationship itself. It is a big hurdle in most relationships, but dealing with the anxiety or pain associated with this has the potential of growing the relationship to new heights of intimacy, fun and passion.
I am glad to hear that there is cuddling and closeness, yet I would bet that there are unresolved issues for both of you (within the context of the relationship) that need to be addressed. One adult developmental task that we must all learn is how not to personalize our partner’s issues. Now may be the time to deal with things, not to leave the relationship.
While most people say that they want more intimacy in their relationships, the fact is that human beings can only tolerate a certain level of intimacy. The level of intimacy tolerance is based on each individual’s level of personal growth and development (maturity; sense of self; self-worth; ability to validate themselves, etc.). Lack of sexual desire may be a way of keeping the intimacy in the relationship at a tolerable level. In order to increase the level of intimacy and passion in your relationship, each one of you needs to self-confront and begin to explore areas of personal growth that will allow you to develop the capacity for more intimacy. I believe that this is a universal for couples in committed relationships. For more information about this area, please read, “Passionate Marriage,” by David Schnarch, Ph.D.
Essentially, dealing with these issues are natural, integral and important aspects regarding both of your developmental processes. You may be on the way to having more a more healthy relationship with yourselves, and as a consequence, a more satisfying, fun, intimate and passionate relationship. Such concerns may be best dealt with in couple’s therapy. Dealing with these issues will be anxiety producing and/or painful at times, but it is anxiety that fuels the growth process. Finding a therapist to help you along may be helpful. Here are a few links: www.sexologist.org and www.passionatemarriage.com
Editors note: You mentioned that 'it has been this way since the beginning'. In addition to the above ideas/suggestions, it is also possible that there is not a mutual attraction or chemistry between the two of you. If this is true, the sexual relationship may continue to be difficult. Usually, if sexual attraction is felt by both people, it is experienced fairly early on in the relationship. Trying to 'create' chemistry where none exists may not be possible. Patricia Fawver, Ph.D., editorReviewed by: Patricia Fawver Ph.D. in Sexology
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