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Question:
Hi. I have searched with no luck for an article on the web which may address my issue. I am extremely embarassed by what I found in my daughter's room yesterday. Over ten years ago my husband and I made a home movie of ourselves making love. I found this movie buried in my 12 year old daughter's closet while searching for her "inserts" for her shoes. How do I address this with her?? The movie was hidden deep within my husbands closet in a box of "private" materials shared between he and I. I am completely disgusted and wonder whether or not she even shared this with her friends. I can't even watch the video myself!
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Answer:
by Yvonne Fulbright: ()
Let me begin by applauding you for your willingness to seek out information and figure out a way to address this issue with your daughter. While this isn't an easy situation for any parent to deal with, it can certainly make for a better, stronger relationship with your daughter in the long run.
There are 2 issues at hand concerning the video. First, your daughter invaded your (and your husband's) privacy by going into his closet and taking one of your belongings. Almost all children have at one point spent time investigating their parents' room and rummaging through their possessions. There is a difference, though, between looking and taking - regardless of what the item is. You have every right to be upset about the fact that she took something from your husband's closest, especially something so private and that was meant for just the two of you. When talking to your daughter, stress that you're upset with the fact that she took something without your permission - that that was wrong. Don't point out that it was wrong because of what she took. That will only make it seem like there is something "wrong" or "bad" about the video, and there isn't. As you stated, you and your husband were "making love", and that's a beautiful thing - nothing to be ashamed of. So don't be so hard on yourself about the video, and don't convey to your daughter that it's anything dirty, bad, or shaming or your part. She will one day find strength in your poise and grace with the situation.
On that note, ask your daughter whether or not she looked at the video. If she is telling you the truth by telling you that she never viewed it, then you're off the hook - slightly. I would encourage you to still take advantage of this opportunity to teach your daughter about sexuality and your values about it.
If she admits to having watched the video, ask her if she's ok with what she saw. Explain to her that that was you and her father making love - that what you were doing is what two people do to each other when they love each other. Explain that she will want to do that with somebody she loves one day. Use this time to tell her things she may need to know about the "birds and the bees", and to convey your messages about sex, values, and relationships.
There are a couple of web-sites that may be useful in giving tips on how to communicate with your daughter:
www.advocatesforyouth.org/parents
www.siecus.org/parent/pare0000.html
It would also be a good idea to talk to your husband about what has happened, to get his support. I would not, however, involve him in the conversation with your daughter. Let your talk with her be private - it will be easier on both of you that way.
Best of luck. I'm sure that you will handle the situation well.
Thank you for visiting the Sexual Health Network.
Yvonne K. Fulbright, MS.Ed.Reviewed by: Patricia Fawver Ph.D. in Sexology
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