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Question:
My fiance has recently lost all
interest in sex. She used to be
quite the opposite and we had a
fairly active sex life. My question
is: Is this normal for someone
to go through this? I totally feel
that she loves me and disinterest
in me is not the problem. She just
hasn't been in the mood for a few
weeks. We're both concerned about this, but
at the same time, we know that sex
isn't everything in a relationship. I'm scared to come on to her now.
The last time we had sex, she
basically accused me of wanting it
all of the time. That's really not
the case and her lack of desire is
getting really frustrating.
Also you should know we broke up around Labor Day. I
broke up with her to date another
and rapidly realized that it was
the biggest mistake I'd ever made.
We then got back together and I
proposed. We're getting married
in June.
Thanks.
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Answer:
by Seth Prosterman: (05/20/2004)
Losing sexual desire actually happens quite often in the context of
emotionally committed relationships. In fact, a recent study reported that
up to 40% of married couples in the United States report having sexual
dysfunctions including sexual desire problems. I want to emphasize that
getting stuck in relationships is not pathological, but normal. You would
do well to look at this sex issue as a natural, systemic, growth and
developmental issue. Dealing with this effectively will help each one of
you grow as individuals and also add depth and capacity for greater intimacy
and passion in your relationship.
Losing ones sexual desire can arise from a single factor or a combination
of factors. Given what you have written, here are a few areas you both
might want to look into further:
As I mentioned above, all relationships naturally reach a point of getting
stuck and sex issues often arise at this point. While most people say that
they want more intimacy in their relationships, the fact is that human
beings can only tolerate a certain level of intimacy. The level of intimacy
tolerance is based on each individual's level of personal growth and
development (maturity; sense of self; self-worth; ability to validate
themselves, etc.). Lack of sexual desire or "dating another" may be a way
of keeping the intimacy in the relationship at a tolerable level. In order
to increase the level of intimacy and passion in your relationship, each one
of you needs to self-confront and begin to explore areas of personal growth
that will allow you to develop the capacity for more intimacy. I believe
that this is a universal for couples in committed relationships. For more
information about this area, please read, "Passionate Marriage," by David
Schnarch, Ph.D.
You also mentioned that your fiancé has accused you of wanting sex "all the
time." Another given in relationships is that there will always be a higher
and lower desire partner - for sex, as well as other many other things. It
sounds like she is feeling pressured to have sex, whether you think so or
not. Perhaps, she is dealing with her programming about the way she
"should" be sexual in a relationship and trying to assert this. She may
need to learn that she has the right to say no when she is really not
feeling sexual, but also needs to give herself permission to be sexual when
she truly desires it. You may need to learn how to be more patient and less
frustrated with the situation. Pressuring the partner never is an effective
way to have passionate sex, though it may lead to a less than satisfying
"mercy fuck" - just to get the partner off one's back. Other questions that
come to mind are: Has she really lost all desire for sex, including
masturbation or other erotic, sensual or romantic events? What about desire
for being sexual with each other? When is the last time you went on a
romantic date or spent quality sensual time together without expectation
that it lead to sex per se?
Underlying anger regarding the breakup and your having dated another woman
may play a role in your fiancé's lack of desire. Re-building trust takes
some time and consistent behavior. Trusting oneself (having a strong enough
sense of oneself) enough to allow herself to trust you may be an important
factor. A major adult development task involves becoming strong enough to
not personalize your partner's issues, while at the same time, standing up
for your own values and sense of integrity.
Essentially, dealing with these issues are natural, integral and important
aspects regarding both of your developmental processes. You may be on the
way to having more a more healthy relationship with yourselves, and as a
consequence, a more satisfying, fun, intimate and passionate relationship.
Such concerns are best dealt with in couples therapy. Dealing with these
issues will be anxiety producing and/or painful at times, but it is anxiety
that fuels the growth process. Finding a therapist to help you along may be
helpful. See links.
Reviewed by Sexual Health Editorial Team
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