I am a 22 year old male who has been sexually active with a partner for 4 years and who has been sexually active since 12. I have never had a problem reaching orgasm from manual masturbation, and I function perfectly during vaginal intercourse with no problems reaching orgasm, but I have never been able to achieve orgasm when my partner performs felatio or masturbation for me. I have no erectile disfunction, I maintain an erection the entire time, and I enjoy the feeling immensly but I am not able to come to orgasm. Knowing that this is not a global issue tells me that this is infact a psychological issue and not physical and I would like to know if there is some series of excercises or behaviors that would help me become functional in this issue. To give you my psychological perspective on this issue, I do not feel cheated out of the experience, nor do I internalize it is a personal failure. The issue is not caused by a self induced performance anxiety. I have no aversion to oral sex both giving or recieving. The only thought that I can give to consider is that at some conciouse or unconsiouce level I am self conciouse of myself though i have no need to be. As a side not to possibly offer something else for some help is that there is a somewhat simmilar issue that causes me minor inconvenience as well, for as long as I can remember I experience shy bladder in public restrooms and have extraordinary difficulty starting to unrinate infront of other people in general, this is including my girlfriend whom I am very intimate with.

if you have any suggestions to help me with my orgasm issue please do. I dont really care about the shy bladder issue I just offered it as something else to possibly go off of.

When you masturbate manually, you get immediate feedback about how what you are doing feels. Without even thinking about it consciously, you can adjust the stimulation by changing the tempo, amount of pressure applied, area touched, etc. As a result, you have pretty good (though not total) control over how quickly or slowly you become physically aroused and, possibly, reach orgasm. (Not everybody masturbates to orgasm all the time.) When actively engaged in intercourse (i.e., not simply lying still while it’s happening), you can affect adjust the stimulation of your penis by changing the length and rhythm of thrusting, the angle of penetration, etc.

When a partner stimulates you, they probably do so using a different rhythm, stroke, amount of pressure, etc. They must rely on your body language or what you say in order to know the effect that their touch is having on you. Even if you give verbal feedback (“that feels good,” “faster!”), it’s not nearly as specific as the information you process internally. This could be all the difference that it takes between triggering and not triggering the complicated physical response that leads to orgasm.

Many men feel the urge to thrust during fellatio. This may spark some very real concerns about how this would affect their partner. (Porn flicks aside, hard thrusting in the mouth can be uncomfortable or unpleasant, especially if it triggers the gag reflex.) If this is true for you, it may have an inhibiting effect. Also, you may be somewhat more reluctant to take a very active role because, unlike the vagina, the mouth is usually full of teeth.

Of course, there may be some purely psychological things at work here. If you believe that your partner taking the lead during sex has some deeper, negative meaning (e.g., “She’s got the upper hand,” I’m too vulnerable,” “I’m taking advantage of her,” “Her willingness to do this says something negative about her,” What if she bites me???”), then that can interfere with your level of arousal. So can worries about how your penis or semen looks, tastes, or smells. Ironically, worrying that you won’t be able to reach orgasm can also have that effect.

So, what to do? Maybe, nothing. You said elsewhere that you see this as a “minor inconvenience,” don’t feel cheated, and simply would like your girlfriend to “have the satisfaction of bringing [you ] to oral orgasm.” Chances are, your girlfriend cares more about her ability to share sexual pleasure with you in some form or fashion than she does about being able to trigger your ejaculation in a particular way.

I would encourage the two of you to explore more fully how each of you responds to different types of stimulation. The best way to do this is to agree that 1) you’ll focus on one person at a time and 2) reaching orgasm is not the goal. When it’s your turn, show your girlfriend how you masturbate when alone. Have her place her hands over yours, so she can get a better sense of what you do. Have her try it while you guide her hands.

It’s very important to give feedback about what you like and what you don’t like so much. One way of doing this is to rate how stimulating different types of touch are on different parts of your body. (e.g., hard strokes on the shaft of the penis may be an 8; a finger circling the rim of the glans may be a 9; firm squeezes of your testicles may be a 5, etc.). You can do the same thing to evaluate your responses to and preferences for various types of oral stimulation (e.g., licking, sucking, gentle nibbling, etc.) on various parts of your body. Also, talk about how certain positioning, visual stimulation, etc. changes the experience for you. Ask her about her physical and mental responses while doing these things. Talk about any concerns that arise.

On other occasions, the two of you may want to try combining different sexual activities in a different way to see how that affects your level of arousal. Some possibilities: you masturbating while your penis is near or in her mouth; alternating between vaginal and oral intercourse without orgasm (so long as she is not turned off by the taste of her lubrication); having your partner use a vibrator or other sex toy while masturbating you.

Note that these explorations shouldn’t be undertaken with a grim determination or a sense that your future sexual satisfaction depends on achieving certain “results.” Instead, look on it as simply a process for getting to know yourself and your partner better, as well as to improve your ability to communicate about sexual needs and concerns. Be creative and have fun!

Reviewed by: Kathleen VanKirk DHS