First off, I can certainly appreciate how frustrating this must be for you. It's not at all unusual for couples to have to deal with differences in sexual desire, and it's difficult to figure out what to do about it. Let me try to help by clarifying some of your options for you.

You have 3 or 4 major options to consider: learn to live with it, break up with him, cheat on him, or try to fix it. You've already said that breaking up and cheating are not options you want to consider. Obviously it's also going to be difficult for you to just learn to live with it, just as it will be difficult for him to try to fix it. So, assuming you both want things to work, you'll have to learn to compromise and meet each other halfway. He may never have quite the level of desire that you do, but he may be able to increase it somewhat through open communication and various other techniques.

The first thing I would ask is whether you both have talked about this issue. If you haven't, or if you have but it's been unproductive, here are some tips for starting the conversation. First, choose a time when neither of you is feeling defensive or hurried. When you're in the mood for sex and he is not interested, that's not a good time to bring up sensitive emotional issues. Also, try to stay out of the bedroom while you talk, as one good technique for couple having sexual difficulty is to only use the bed for sleeping and sex. That way you won't associate that setting with negative or stressful events.

Talk to him calmly and tell him what you see as the problem and why. Try not to use accusatory language (e.g., "You do this, you don't do that."). Instead use "I language," meaning you tell him what the problem is by talking about your own feelings and emotions. For example, you could say, "I feel like we don't have sex as often as I would like to, and when you aren't interested in me it makes me feel unattractive." (Or whatever is more accurate.)

As you are talking, be open to his comments about you as well. Remember that in couples, the problem is rarely all in one person or the other--usually both are contributing. So if he is critical of you, try to listen and respond with an open, nondefensive perspective. That will keep things from escalating into a fight.

Talk about how he feels about his own lack of sexual desire--is he comfortable with it? Would he like to change it if he could? Has he always been like this, or is it a recent issue? Don't rule out the possibility of medical factors, especially if the problem is recent. There are a few medical problems that can lead to low sexual desire, such as hormonal problems or depression. If he is willing to, he might like to talk to his doctor about the problem. You might also be interested in the option of couples therapy, as this is a classic situation that couples therapists are trained to deal with. A couples therapist could give you better advice about specific activities and exercises to try, knowing more about your situation than I do.

If, at the end of all this, you still can't come to any solution, consider the following: You mentioned that you see sex as a way for couples to share in their love for one another through physical affection. However, sometimes when one partner has a higher level of desire than the other, the partner with less desire will see sex as a chore or duty, which will inhibit the feelings of love you're talking about. Perhaps it would help to have nights when you both go to bed early and just snuggle or spend time being physically close without the expectation that it will lead to sex. That may give you some of the loving feelings you crave while not making him feel tense or obligated to have sex. That could go a long way to improving things in the bedroom for both of you.

Good luck, and I hope this was helpful!

Blaise

Reviewed by: Kathleen VanKirk DHS