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Question:
My question is actually for my partner. When have been discussing a problem he has been having. Lately he just hasn't had a sex drive. Well it kind of comes and goes but most of the time he has no desire to perform sexually. He has had 2 other long term parnters before me and says that at certian points in those relationship he has also experienced this. He says that it doesn't get old and he enjoys it when he does have sex. What I think bothers him more is the fact that he's only 22 years old. I feel bad because me as a 21 year old Im very sexually driven and I always feel like I have to beg him for it and then we still don't have sex.
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Answer:
by Sandra L. Caron: ()
Thank you for your question – one that seems to be fairly common – in which your partner has a much lower sexual desire than you do. Now what do you do? You say that while he still enjoys it when he does have sex, he really doesn’t have any great desire these days. I can understand how this would be a source of concern for you – especially where he has told you this has happened in the past with former long-term relationships. Perhaps this is why they are FORMER relationships.
You suggest that his desire was higher before and now it is lower. This raises several questions. I am curious how concerned he is about his change. Does he relate it to stress found outside the relationship? Does he see it as a reflection of his feelings about the relationship? Does he view it as a normal part of long-term relationships? Has he ever gone to see a professional (e.g., doctor, counselor) to discuss this? Finally, has he ever tried to read something to find out more?
One book that may be useful for you to read together is The New Male Sexuality by Bernie Zilbergeld. It could be useful for him to meet with a counselor to sort out some of his feelings about this.
You imply that you have been in a relationship with him for awhile. If this is so, it is important to recognize that anything that is routine, which happens over and over again in the same exact way, can become boring or stale. Even sex. If that is your situation, you may want to talk about how you might spice up the relationship: changing your positions, places, and times; adding little surprises; doing the things that used to turn him on which have now fallen to the side. It's important to find ways to vary your experiences.
At the moment, you describe something that feels more like a platonic friendship. One where he enjoys being with you, but he does not have a high need to share sexual experiences. It will be important to sit down together and discuss the relationship openly and see if you can come to some agreement on where you are headed - especially since you have stated that you feel like you have to "beg him for it" and then he still is not interested.
If he refuses to talk about it, you'll have to think about your own needs and options. For example, is it worth it to stay in a relationship that is not meeting your sexual needs? Where you resort to begging? To find yourself in such a relationship can take a toll on your self-esteem.
Finally, recognize that loving relationships thrive on mutual respect. I am not sure that you can make anybody feel turned on and interested because you're feeling turned on and interested. Generally, "turn-ons" for men include caring, touch, shared feelings, and the interest in mutual respect. Best wishes.
Reviewed by: Patricia Fawver Ph.D. in Sexology
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