Question:
I was emotionally and sexually abused by my mother, and I was discouraged from masturbating by Catholic teachers, both of these during my sexually formative years between ages 7 and 14. The result has been that I am the only man I've ever known who inhibits himself from masterbating. At age 9 I had a dream where I cut myself off at the waist. I love and cherish the orgasms I have with my female partner, but have a difficult time getting in touch with the needed desire levels to initiate sex at a frequency level we both long for, even though I love and enjoy our sex. I am entering the last quarter of my life, and have been trying to deal with the above, via therapy, for 30 years. How can I dissolve these repressions and achieve some sort of once-a-week orgasmic interest and capacity? Is this unrealistic age age 61?
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Answer:
by Kelly Ace: (04/20/2007)
They types of concerns you describe are not as unusual as you might think. The good new is: whether your 61 or 16, it’s certainly possible to enhance your enjoyment of your own sexuality. It’s also possible to enhance your sexual intimacy with your wife –- especially if you make the quality, rather than the frequency, of sexual encounters your main focus.
You and your wife may want to schedule regular “dates” where physical pleasure is made a priority. This doesn’t necessarily mean that you end up having intercourse or reaching orgasm. It may simply mean that you take a bath together, trade massages, canoodle on the couch while watching a sexy (though not necessarily explicit) movie, or cuddle naked in bed while reading out loud from a book of erotica or one of Nancy Friday’s books on sexual fantasies. (Given that you both have histories of abuse, you might want to separately skim through these in advance and make note of anything that should be skipped over, since it’s best to avoid anything that might trigger bad memories or feelings.) Sometimes, desire builds deliciously when you’re physically close to a partner, but not feeling that the closeness has to end in sex.
If you haven't read The New Male Sexuality by Bernie Zilbergeld, you may find it gives you a bit more insight into male sexuality. Also, while Wendy Maltz’s books and videos focus more on women’s experiences, you may still find them helpful.
While you’ve been in various therapies, I don’t get the sense that any have focused specifically on how you can enhance your sexual pleasure. So, sexuality-focused counseling may be quite helpful for both of you. You can locate a certified counselor or therapist by going to www.aasect.org. (Note that our Chief Medical Officer, Dr. Annette Owens, practices in your state: www.CvilleWellness.com.) Someone who specializes in this field can help you and your wife identify a plan for exploring your sexual concerns while minimizing the effects of abuse- and religion-related triggers.
Best wishes as you and your wife continue on your journey of healing, growth, and pleasure!
Reviewed by: Kathleen VanKirk DHS
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