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Question:
I am an able bodied gay man interested in dating a gay man I recently met online who is 11 years younger than myself with mild cerebral palsy (he uses canes to walk). We both have little relationship experience. The longest relationship I had was 3 months and for him it was 5 months. He has been "out" for over 13 years since he was 18 years old; me for 7 years since I was 35 years old.I find him sexually attractive, I like his sense of humour and I'm wanting to get to know him better. Yet I have a tug of war going on inside my head. I'm attracted to him then I back off and I'm afraid to get closer and give it a try dating him and being afraid of where it will go. I'm afraid of getting hurt or of hurting him if it doesn't work. I'm afraid of him becoming dependent on me and of me losing my freedom. I'm afraid I might sabotage a possible relationship with him if everything goes along smoothly.
My concerns are more to do with myself and my "fears" about dating him as well as handling the social stigmas attatched to dating someone who has a visible differnce in the way he moves and talks associated with CP. Intellectually I know it is what's inside someone that counts. But, yet there is a nagging fear about becoming involved with someone with a visible physical limitation. What are ways for me to handle my own prejudices as well as social stigmas and outside prejudices so that I can just date him like anybody else without? If we become sexually involved, what types of issues would I need to be aware of beforehand?
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Answer:
by Blaise Parker: (06/14/2005)
Hello,
First off, I compliment you for your willingness to deal with your own prejudices around his disability. Although this question was just assigned to me, I notice that you wrote it a couple of months ago. Therefore, this might no longer be a relevant answer, but I will do my best to help anyway.
It is difficult to be someone who is attracted to a person who is not the "norm" in our society, whether that means being attracted to someone of a different ethnicity, someone who is overweight or not conventionally attractive, or someone who, as in your case, is disabled. But I'd bet it's not half as difficult to be in your shoes as it is to be in his. You're lucky in that you have the privilege to walk away from the situation if you become too worried about what others think. He does not have that freedom. I don't say that to be critical of you, but to put things into a different perspective, one you may not have considered.
That being said, I don't know of any good way to get over worrying what people might think about you other than to dive in. I think that people get better at that with practice, because you learn that it's not the end of the world to have someone look at you a little strangely. I know that gay men, especially, can be quite focused on externals, but you need to nurture the sort of inner strength that allows you to feel ok about yourself regardless of what others think. That may take some therapy or reading self-help books or any other sort of activity that helps you learn about your inner self.
Finally, I feel some duty to the man you are interested in, and I would be remiss if I didn't tell you to be careful with his emotions in this situation, too. I'm sure he has dealt with a lot in his life, and it's not going to be helpful for him to have you around if you're constantly feeling ambivalent about him. If you think you can love him and treat him as an equal, a lover, and a friend, then by all means, see what happens. But if you can't get over his disability, then you owe it to him not to pretend that you can. It will be much more hurtful in the long run if you keep getting close and pulling away.
Some of your fears are the typical "fear of commitment" type of questions that many people deal with, but in a healthy and well-functioning relationship, you don't have to completely lose your independence. Instead, you can cultivate a sort of interdependence that allows you to be together, rely on one another, but still give each other room to grow and change. And the fears you have about whether it will work or not are the same sort of fears everyone deals with. You just have to decide that it is worth it to take the risk, knowing that the potential payoff is a happy and healthy relationship with someone you love.
Good luck, and I hope this was helpful!
BlaiseReviewed by: Patricia Fawver Ph.D. in Sexology
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