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Question:
Hello! I am not sure how to address this issue. My husband and I have been married for 13 years. He has been overseas for the last 9 months. Yes, he had an affair. We are wokring through that. We agreed to be completely honest with each other. In this event,he has told me things that I never knew. One of which occured when he was 14 and a runaway. He told me that he was raped repeatedly by males. When this happened he admitted to having orgasims. I too was raped as a teenager. Going through therapy I know that having an orgasim is out of ones control. I have told him this. But to the point. He has said that he gets aroused when my hand is near his anal area. He has gone as far as to say that he wants to be penetrated. He is worried that he may be gay. I have asked serval questions concerning this. I know that the area is highly sensitive. He also worries that because he likes oral sex as well, that this too might be a sign. How do I help him with these issues. He will not discuss this with anyone. He states that he is not attracked to men. If there is any information that you can give me it would help. Thanks for your time.
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Answer:
by Annette Owens: ()
Thank you for contacting The Sexual Health Network with your concern. I hope you can share the following information with your husband. You have made two statements that are true:
1. Experiencing orgasms in a rape situation is not unusual and orgasm can be a normal physiological response to sexual stimulation even during sexual assault. Nevertheless, many survivors of sexual assault feel guilty if they did experience orgasm during the rape. It is almost like laughing when you get tickled – you may not enjoy it, but you cannot help laughing.
2. The anus is a very sensitive region and many men and women like anal stimulation and penetration – completely independent of their sexual orientation. I know of many heterosexual couples where anal stimulation and penetration of either or both partners is a completely normal part of their love-play. Oral sex is also very enjoyable for many men and women – again, completely independent of their sexual orientation.
If your husband is not attracted to men, I see no reason to believe that he should be gay. He sounds like a heterosexual male who simply enjoys oral sex, anal stimulation and penetration, and who had a normal physiological response when he was raped. A book such as The New Male Sexuality by Bernie Zilbergeld (see link on right hand side) may provide some information for him regarding common sexual practices and responses.
Good luck with working through your current issues. Even after all those years it is not too late for your husband to work through some of the feelings he has about the rape several decades ago. If he is interested, I can recommend the book The Sexual Healing Journey by Wendy Maltz (see link on the right hand side.)
Finally, you may want to consider integrating anal stimulation and penetration in your love-play. Good Vibrations at www.goodvibes.com offer several sex toys for anal play – for men and women of all sexual orientations.
Best wishes, and do not hesitate to contact me again if you or your husband should have any further questions.
Annette Owens, MD PhD
Reviewed by: Patricia Fawver Ph.D. in Sexology
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