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Question:
I am an 18 year old openly bisexual female, and it intimidates my boyfriend. He knows it's a part of me that can't be changed, but he's not sure how to react to it. Is it normal for me to desire an extracurricular female partner without ruining our relationship? How should he react to my desires? He's never had a bi girlfriend, and he's scared of me, and afraid to lose me. How can I reassure him? He's having a hard time trusting me because I flirt with women online. I will try anything to make this work, because I want this relationship to last forever and I plan on having children with him and everything. But I can't forget the fact that I like women as well....
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Answer:
by Blaise Parker: ()
Hi,
Let's talk about myths of bisexuality, because I think some of that is coming in to play here. Here's a brief list of common beliefs about bisexual people:
* They can't commit, they always want to cheat, they need two partners to keep them happy.
* They don't exist. They're "really" gay or straight, but they're just afraid to come out/trying to be cool.
* They're confused, they don't know what they want.
* They're only interested in sex, they're easy.
Now, look at that list. If I were your boyfriend and all I had to go on was the stereotypes I'd heard, I'd be scared too. I'd think you were going to cheat on me or leave me.
There's another point to this, though. Myths and stereotypes aren't always wrong. They aren't always right, of course, but sometimes we get so involved with fighting against them that we fail to consider the people who might actually fit those stereotypes.
That is to say, no, it is not unusual for you to be considering sex outside your relationship. It would not necessarily be unusual for you to act on those desires. At your age, I think this is especially true, given that (and I'm assuming here) you probably haven't had much time for experimentation.
I think sexual experimentation is a good thing. It teaches people to understand what they like, what they don't like, what is important to them in a sexual relationship and what is not. It's just like any other type of experimentation. Trial and error.
However, given that you are in what I presume is a monogamous relationship, you've come up against a problem. You have about three choices there. First, you can cheat on him. Never a good idea, especially if you want to make the relationship last and want to earn his trust. Second, you can stay monogamous to him. This is probably the solution that would make him happiest, but you have to ask yourself if you can really live with that. Third, you can talk to him about the possibility of an open relationship. This is a relationship where people can be sexually non-monogamous. It's by far the most difficult of these choices, since it requires a lot of work, trust, and negotiation. It may be that you and/or your boyfriend would never even consider the option, and that's fine. I just wanted to point out that it exists.
You ask how he should react, and how you should reassure him. I think he's reacting quite normally, and you can't change that. You can reassure him by talking to him and by refraining from activities (such as flirting with girls online) that make him uncomfortable. Talking about a non-monogamous relationship, of course, may also make him uncomfortable or confirm his fears that you want to have sex with someone else. That's a risk you take in approaching the subject.
Now I'm going to do something to you that you're going to hate. I'm going to talk to you like you're not an adult. I'm going to tell you that you'll understand in a few years, and you're going to feel pissed off that I'm being patronizing. Then in a few years, you're going to look back and think I was probably right. I know this because I've been in your shoes. I hate it, you hate it, but that's just the way it is. (Unlike most adults, though, I'm also going to acknowledge that there's a chance I could be wrong. I do know a few people who have relationships that started in their teen years that are still very successful, happy relationships.)
Having gotten that messiness out of the way, I don't really think you're not an adult. I think you are probably a perfectly mature person who believes very much in her relationship and knows what she wants. And I'm not going to tell you you're wrong, or that your relationship won't work because you're too young. I am going to tell you that in my experience, you have a lot of growing and changing to do still, and you might find that at some point this is just not the person you want to be with. So keep that in mind as you're thinking through everything. There's no reason you need to be in a hurry to marry or even to find that person you want to marry.
Best of luck to you! I hope you and your boyfriend find a good way to deal with this. :) It is possible, but it takes developing trust and open communication, in my experience.
A few books you might want to look at include Reviewed by: Patricia Fawver Ph.D. in Sexology
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