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Question:
My 13 year old daughter has sexuality issues. We come from a different country/culture and she has not had relationships with opposite sex and now that she is going to 9th grade in the U.S she wants to be tough (her role model is tomb raider's Laura croft)She is asking me about Gay/Lesbian and says she has no interest in boys/relationships.What must i do how can i help her to find herself and develop in a healthy manner.
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Answer:
by Blaise Parker: ()
Hi,
I think that you have done a wonderful thing by seeking advice for dealing with your daughter. You don't state what culture you come from, and I know there are cultural differences in how gay and lesbian issues are thought of. I assume that when you say you want your daughter to find herself and develop in a healthy manner, you mean that you will love and support her no matter what her sexual orientation may be. Because if you DON'T feel that way, that's the first thing you should tackle in order to help your daughter.
In my opinion, the best thing a parent can do to help his or her child develop a healthy sexuality is to be open and calm about sexual issues. Many teens find talking with their parents about such things embarassing, but if you let her know that you're willing to listen and not judge, she'll probably be a lot more likely to come to you when she needs to. Don't ignore the topic or pretend it doesn't exist. Impress on her the things you feel are important, for example, waiting until she is ready to be sexual or practicing safer sex. But don't pressure her too much, either. She'll talk when she's ready to talk.
It sounds as if you already have a good relationship with your daughter if she feels that she can approach you with questions about gay and lesbian issues. Another important thing that you can do for your daughter is model appropriate behavior when dealing with gay and lesbian issues. If you act homophobic toward gays and lesbians, she will probably assume you will feel the same way about her if she is a lesbian. If you think you can't do this, you may want to seek out the help of a trained professional or a support group such as "http://www.pflag.org "Parents, Family, and Friends of Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual and Transgendered Persons is a great organization to help you deal with some of these issues.
Finally, one other thing you could do to be pro-active about the situation is you could ask your daughter if she thinks she might be a lesbian. You might wait until she asks about it again so that she doesn't feel like you brought it up out of the blue. This is a hard question to ask because often the asker feels as if he or she is implying something bad about the person being asked. However, if you say something gently like, "Honey, do you think you might be a lesbian? Because it's ok if you do. I'll love you no matter what," you'll open the doors for her to talk when she's ready. If she gets offended or thinks you are in some way questioning her femininity, etc., (a possibility, as teens are always so sensitive about everything!) you can point out to her that a lot of stereotypes about lesbians are inaccurate, and that you were only asking because she has expressed an interest in the topic. If you let her know you'll love and support her no matter what, that will probably be a great load off her mind. Additionally, if it is an option, you can speak with her about the possibility of seeking out a counselor or support group herself. Make sure she knows it's not because she's "crazy," but is instead because it is very difficult for young people to figure out things about their own sexual orientation, and you thought it might help her to have someone to talk about it with.
I applaud you for seeking help with this issue. Gay and lesbian teens are a high risk group for both bullying and depression, and helping your daughter to deal with these issues is one of the best things you can do for her.
Good luck!
BlaiseReviewed by: Patricia Fawver Ph.D. in Sexology
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