Answer:
by Kelly Ace: (08/01/2007)
Knowing that someone you care about is making decisions based on fear can be both painful and frustrating – especially if that fear is directly affecting your relationship. Your belief that he is scared of a “gay relationship” may or may not be on target. Or, it may only be one of his concerns. (His comments about not being a good boyfriend and not being good in relationships echo the conclusions of many men who’ve recently come out of marriages and other long-term relationships. Sometimes, they echo their former partners’ comments as well.) It could be that, when he first starting seeing you, he thought he was ready, but then found out he really wasn’t. Or, it could also be that your relationship was moving faster than he was ready for. In any event, it’s important to respect his apparent sense that he’s not ready for a romantic or sexual relationship right now.
Much of how you proceed really depends on your feelings and needs. Could you be “just friends” with him after the past three months? If yes, staying in his life and supporting him as he continues to carve out his post-divorce existence might be the best way of showing him that he has qualities that others respect, admire, and enjoy. He might need to re-learn this before he feels ready to become involved in something more intense. Of course, you may not feel emotionally willing and able to limit how you relate to him. There’s no shame in admitting that – it just proves that you are both human and honest.
Without knowing more about his specific concerns, I can only make some educated guesses about the fears he may be grappling with. As someone who cares about him, you may be in an excellent position to help him better understand his options and resources.
Since it sounds like he’s concerned about his relationship with his son, could you help him learn more about the issues involved? (Depending upon the attitudes of his ex-wife and other family members, his concerns about his relationship with his son may be well-founded.) Perhaps you could introduce him to other gay fathers who are willing to talk about their experiences. You might also want to consider introducing him to books about gay fathers, such as Gay Dads by David Strah and Susanna Margolis or How It Feels to Have a Gay or Lesbian Parent: A Book by Kids for Kids of All Ages by Judith E. Snow.
If he has concerns about coming out to his family and friends, it may be helpful for him to seek out a peer support group. You can also let him know about the support for family/friends available through Parents and Friends of Lesbians and Gays (PFLAG). (See www.pflag.org for more information.)
While gay men are as diverse as any other group in society, it’s entirely possible that this man’s understanding of what it means to be in a relationship with another man is either 1) based on simplistic and/or negative stereotypes or 2) incredibly vague. In either case, he may find it helpful to socialize with other gay men in settings that emphasize family (e.g., him and his son joining another gay dad and his children on a trip to the park), community (e.g. a volunteer project), spirituality, or special interests (e.g., sporting event or workshop), rather than those focused on dating or sex. Being able to see single and partnered men in these settings may help him realize that there is no one “right” way to be a boyfriend or partner.
You may also consider helping him find a therapist who can help him move forward. It may be that he is still struggling to make sense of his sexual identity or relationship needs. He may also need help putting to rest thoughts and feelings that undermine his self-confidence, capacity for intimacy, or ability to negotiate healthy relationships.
My best wishes to you both.
Reviewed by: Kelly Ace PhD,
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