I started masturbating when I was very young (8 years old, I believe) and was so young that I could not even achieve an erection. As a result, rather than "stroking" myself, I would lye prostrate on the floor push myself into my hand. While doing this, it felt great, but my hand would go into one of my testicles (it didn't hurt at the time), which I assumed was not good for me, and overall I developed some very guilt feelings about doing this.

I continued to masturbate quite frequently throughout most of my youth. When I was 9 or so, my parents bought a computer for me with Internet access, and I discovered pornography for the first time. I was able to download very explicit images of multiple men having sex with a single woman and I found myself very much aroused by this (I think it related to the fact that I was not used to being able to cut it on my own).

Unfortunately, this fantasy also caused feelings of guilt and shame. As I grew older, I recall being 15 and not having ever kissed a girl, but having masturbated intensively and numerous times/day in some cases to hardcore pornography of multiple men and one woman.

I remember having a date with quite a beautiful girl when I was 15. I was so nervous before the date that my mouth was dry, my stomach acidic, and my sex drive altogether non-existent. I constantly worried about whether I could "successfully" be with real girls or not.

By 16, I finally had my first relationship and kiss and it was wonderful, but then it ended and I returned to pornography. At this point, my parents purchased high-speed Internet and set it up in their study, and I masturbated there at night while they were sleeping. More shame. In a couple of instances, I was even caught.

By the time I got to college, I had very little experience with real sex but was terribly anxious about it. I became depressed, was worried that I was homosexual, and felt totally unconfident both in myself and around women. I revealed somed of these feelings to my parents, and they arranged for therapy.

The therapy helped a great deal, in fact allowing me to have several experiences, and eventually intercourse with a girlfriend at 21. We had a very positive sexual relationship though that too ended.

With each new relationship I would build more confidence, but still the lingering doubts persisted: was I gay? was something wrong with me? Why did I have this awful fantasy?

I sought out more therapy and again concluded that, no, I was not gay, but that I had a great deal of anxiety about sex and just needed more expeirence. I managed to have another relationship, this time with a very beautiful girl (who was also very sexual) but that eventually ended.

I had felt very nervous about my ability to sustain an erection throughout the relationship. We never had sex, though usually the erection issue was never a problem. Even so, I cnotinued to worry and worry about it.

We broke up about a year ago. Just a few months ago, I felt I had regained my "sexual confidence" and was actively seeking out a relationship, but then I had a very traumatic experience with an attractive girl who sought sex with me after only a few days of meeting me and in a way that was consensual, but still had (at least emotionally) some elements of rape to it.

Since then, I have been anxious and doubtful about my sexuality. Thoughts of whether I am gay continue to creep up, though I have no real substantial evidence to indicate that I am. My sex drive has waned in the last few months, and I find myself "battling" with whether to mastrubate to my group sex fantasy using Internet pornography or not. It seems when I don't masutrasbte to pornography that after a few days I seem to feel alright, but then I return to it, the feelings of guilt return and my old doubts return.

A few days ago, I decided that I was tired of these mental games and agreed with myself to just "give up sex" for a month and revisit it later. This produced sexual confdience and a genuine sex drive for real-life women like I had not known for several weeks. I then began to doubt these feelings and have regressed back to where I started.

As it stands now, I am very "insecure" about my sexuality (although I feel I probably understand mine better than most), I have doubts about my ability to sustain an erection (although I feel that it's purely a psychological issue), and I have minor recurring doubts about being gay although I know intellectually that I am heterosexual.

My question is: How do I change my thought patterns or behavioral patterns to remove myself from this mental imbroglio? It's exhausting, and it inhibits my entering into new relationships.

Any help you can offer would be much aprpecaited. Sorry this was so long, but thanks for your help,

Josh

First of all I don't believe that your early experiences with masturbation or the pressing of your hand on your testicles has harmed you in any way. Unless masturbation hurts physically, then you are not doing any physical harm. Also, nothing in your story leads me to believe that you should be confused about your own sexual orientation. People who identify as gay or lesbian KNOW (sometimes very strongly) that they are "different." You seem to be attracted to images of heterosexual sex and seem to be attracted to women. I think your confusion about sexual orientation is just a facet of your other anxiety issues and not something to be concerned about. However, only YOU can make the final call about your orientation. Our sexual orientation is made up of three components: our sexual behavior (what we do), how we orient sexually (who we want to be sexual with, or who gives you the butterflies in your stomach), and finally our sexual identity (how we see ourselves).

While I don't see you masturbation behavior or your use of pornography to be bad, I think that in your youth you perhaps became too reliant upon it for sexual gratification that it has caused you to be uncertain about your ability to form lasting, meaningful sexual relationships with others. Changing any behavior can be an incredibly difficult experience, and you should expect that you will fail along the way. I am sorry to hear about many of the negative experiences you have had sexually through life. Although the sexual act may have been consensual, feeling as though you have been used or raped can have a terrible impact on your psyche and your ability to feel sexual confidence and sexual trust.

I believe you are battling a number of issues that are really all about sexual anxiety. You have a wealth of information about your own sexuality to work with, and I believe the best person to help you with these issues is a sexuality therapist. Psychiatrists can be good for many things, but I think you need to see someone who will really understand the sexual issues that you are experiencing. Check out www.aasect.org to find a properly licensed therapist near you. I believe you possess an incredible strength and I wish you all the best of luck.

Please don't hesitate to ask any other questions you might have...we're here to help.

Take care, Scott Gross

Reviewed by: Scott Gross M. Ed.