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Question:
My husband sustained a spinal cord injury just a year after we married. He said that he pretty much is not interested in sex anymore. I try to be understanding and assure him that to be even cuddled or for him to hold my hand and talk a bit would be wonderful...but he refuses to even do that. He does not touch me at all. When I go up to even hug him goodbye he pushes me away as soon as he can. I have begged him to go to marriage counseling with me to get help but he refuses. This has gone on for years and to be honest I feel like I am going to go insane. His refusal to even try to work on our problems has made me resentful and I have stopped even trying. I live in one part of the house and he lives in the other and we dont spend time together at all without fighting. Part of me thinks "leave and get a life" and part of me still loves him, feels sorry for him, and feels that marriage is a sacred thing and when I said for better or worse it was a vow that I should live with. I just dont know what to do anymore. All I know is that I am miserable.
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Answer:
by Megan P Fleming: (05/26/2004)
Dear Miserable,
I forwarded your question to Dr. Tepper. He has a spinal cord injury himself
and has done research and writing on male sexuality, and on sexuality and
spinal cord injury. Here is his reply:
It sounds like you are both miserable! Obviously that's not a great way to
live your life together. Unfortunately it often gets to this point before
one partner gets fed-up or worn-out and, through desperation, reaches out
for help. Since you're the one reaching out, I'll direct my comments to you.
While the cuddling, holding hands, and talking combo is a great
prescription, one that I would definitely include somewhere down the line if
I were a therapist, it is a prescription based on understanding from your
point of view as a woman. I'll give you some over generalized insights about
men that may help you to have a better understanding from your husband's
perspective. I'll also offer a few general words of advice.
Avoidance seems to be a common reaction for men when faced with inability to
live up to an expected role. We are trained to be goal oriented and to
finish what we start. We are also trained not to show our fears and not to
reveal our weaknesses. Cuddling and holding hands translates into an
initiation of intimacy, which for many men means the start of sex. Talking
means sharing our feelings. Your husband is likely feeling incapable of
being the husband he imagined when he said I do, and incapable of being the
lover he was before his injury. He probably also senses that you feel sorry
for him which is likely to compound his feelings of being a burden instead
of a provider. Cuddling, holding hands, and talking all are painful
reminders of his inability to fulfill his role as husband and hence are
interpreted as direct threats to his manhood. Sometimes fighting and
displaying anger are the only other actions that we are well versed in when
the first line of defense, avoidance, isn't working.
What does this mean for you and your relationship? Begging, pleading, and
trying to get your husband to change have not been successful. The other
option is changing you. If he will not go with you to counseling, go on your
own. Work through your conflicted feelings then make a plan for how you will
relate to your husband with the support of a therapist. You can let your
husband know that you still love him and are committed to the ideal of
marriage, but from now on you will not be trying to change him as his lack
of willingness only feeds your resentment. You will be doing whatever you
need to do to gain a sense of sanity for yourself. Then he will have to
choose to make his own changes in order to maintain and improve the
relationship or to continue on in misery on his own. Hopefully being
empowered to make some choices will help him move out of this rut he has
been in for years and improve the situation at hand.
Mitchell S. Tepper, PhD, MPH
Founder and President
The Sexual Health Network
Reviewed by Sexual Health Editorial Team
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