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Question:
My name is Britt, 30 years old. My problem is as follows: It's not possible for me to have sex anymore with my partners after getting into close relationship. (3-4 months) After this period it feels that my boyfriend should not want something dirty like that from me. The idea of him wanting sex (or toutch my breasts etc..) craps me by my throught. I discoverd that the only way I can still do something to please my partner (sometimes) is not looking at him but thinking of him to be someone else and watching porn at the same time. (no kissing etc.)
The above symptoms make you (and dutch psychologists) think that I have been abused by someone close in the past. (father for instance) Nothing can be found or indicates that this is the case. (We also tried hypnose therapy to find something)My parents are seperated though.
I start to realise that my problem makes it impossible for me to have a family since my partners did not seem to handle the issue for longer than 2 years. (after first 3-4 months of quite normal sex) Further in live I'm quite succesfull, happy and just finishing my MBA.
May be you can bring me further on above issue.
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Answer:
by Georgan Gregg: ()
Well, Britt, I can offer only some observations. I usually talk to therapy clients about how they learned about sex as a child, that is, how was it talked about, commented on & modeled by parents & other significant adults & older children. This leads to a discussion of the earliest & sometimes deepest beliefs about sexuality.
It strikes me as important that you said when you become close with a lover you feel that he “should not want something dirty like that from me.” Does sex seem “dirty” to you with someone you love? If so, this seems a big part of the issue. If sex without love is fine, but closeness must be sexless, it seems your belief system may be the culprit.
In other information, you mentioned that your father was an angry person & that there was lots of tension in your home as you grew up. Children who grow up with anger the major emotional expression either bottle up their own anger or end up being an overly angry person themselves. Either way, this can play into lovemaking via issues including lack of trust, power struggle or competitiveness.
I also wonder if you have worked with those trained to deal specifically with sexual issues, that is, certified sex counselors or therapists? If you were American I would simply refer you to find a qualified American therapist. I did a bit of research & found The World Association for Sexology website, http://www.worldsexology.org/wmmbr.htm, lists national organizations with Nederlandse Vereniging voor Seusuologie noted for the Netherlands. The European Federation of Sexology has 2 organizations in the Netherlands listed. And British Association for Sexual & Relationship Therapy has a list of therapists at their site.
By the way, are your partners going to counseling with you? A sexual issue may seem to be one person’s “fault,” but working on it together can bring closeness that bridges many problems. New ways of communicating deep-seated feelings takes hard work, but may be the ultimate means to closeness that includes sexual intimacy.
Hopefully, this gives you some new ideas. Good luck!Reviewed by: Patricia Fawver Ph.D. in Sexology
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