I do not want an emotional connection right now. I just want to learn about sex and engaging in sex in safe ways. I have tried to obtain information important to my protecting myself no matter what type of sexual activities I engage in and have been frustrated because every resource wants me to come in for a consultation.

I took 2 semesters of Human Sexuality in college. I have an intellectual understanding of how my and my partner's bodies are suppose to work. This is completely different than having sex actually work that way. I do have a therapist and we have talked about this. It is similar to women who get divorced, she says, and want sex without the emotional connection. Where I live there are very few sex therapists and sex surrogates for women are extremely rare. I know the sex therapy models and techniques. They do not work for me because relaxation is a severe trigger. I know what I want and what I need. I would really like to understand how to protect myself when receiving oral, vaginal, and anal sex...and any risks involved with kissing/other activities. I know this sounds silly, however, kissing was rarely a part of any of my limited experience. I want to feel like I know all the risks all sexual activity might entail. These weren't huge concerns the last time I had sex which was before HIV/AIDs. Can you give me concrete explicit information on what I need to do (have/need) to insure that when I have sex I am practicing as safely as possible?

You are absolutely right that this now can be a positive experience and you have reason to be very hopeful. You seem to articulate in your question a vast understanding of what is needed to make "sex" a positive and beautiful experience. In many ways your experience in your early years around painful and what I call "selfish sex" on the part of other partners is commonly experienced by women. We are not given permission to learn about what we need, develop skills for talking about our needs, and in fact are almost considered by many someone to pleasure others rather than ourselves.

You have clearly identified what you need - and these are very important. Exploring with someone what feels good to you, talking about all of this, and having the trust that your wishes will be respected is very important. In many ways, a sexual relationship cannot be very positive unless the other parts of the relationship are what you want it to be. Certainly, there is no reason that every act of pleasurable sex needs to be penetrative. The vagina, anus or mouth are not organs that penetration necessarily enhances. Something, like a penis, that gets put into them can be pleasured, so much of penetration is for the pleasure of a male partner. Once a partner learns that there are many areas of the body and positions that people can be in for very high pleasure, it expands their ability to really engage in a variety of sexual experiences that have more of a chance of pleasuring both people.

Your direct question seems to be about gathering information to make sex as safe as possible in relation to HIV/AIDS and other diseases, thus I will focus on that. I also hear within the question, which I won't address except for what I've said above, that safety in other emotional and physical arenas is needed as well. For this, just let me say - go with your gut. Trust it.

Now for HIV/AIDS/STI (infections). I would really advise you to go to a local family planning (like Planned Parenthood) agency and get all the brochures they offer free on prevention. Every county in the U.S. is also supposed to have a Health Department which promotes positive health practices when it comes to sex. This can be a starting point. I know it gives you the "textbook" information so I will add a few suggestions here, and then I encourage you to write me back asking specific questions about specific behaviors. I don't think I can begin to cover in this one message everything you might need to help you, especially if you have very specific ideas of what sexual practices you might want to engage in.

As for kissing - HIV/AIDS does not spread through kissing mouth to mouth so it need not be a worry. The only way it is connected to kissing is that the virus in blood is capable of penetrating the tiny capillaries in the soft tissue around the gums and in the cheeks of your mouth, so that any sexual behavior that might draw blood from another partner and allow it to get in your mouth in even small amounts is something to avoid. For other STIs there are several that transmit by kissing, the most obvious one being herpes. Usually, if a herpes sore is present (and you can see it) the virus will transmit. There is some belief in the medical world that even when the sore isn't obvious but just beginning to make the lips tingle, that it is contagious. Other diseases such as gonorrhea and clamydia can transmit through the mouth but usually only if the penis or other genitals are placed in the mouth.

If there is going to be vaginal, oral or anal penetration (which there doesn't have to be to have really GOOD sex!) obviously a latex or polyurethane condom helps keep many infectious organisms from transmitting. It won't keep those areas of the body such as the scrotum and vulva from being exposed to disease though so other means need to be used. Washing both before and after sexual pleasuring can help. Using various lubricants such as KY, AStroglide and others for the touching of any parts together can also increase pleasure and keep germs at bay.

Whew. This is so overwhelming to try to explain. There is so much more but I don't even know where to start, so I think I will end here, and give you the opportunity to digest this and then write back if you think I can be helpful.

There are other sites you might go to get specific information on STD transmission. You might find helpful tips at the following sites: www.iwannaknow.org; www.aawhworldhealth.org; www.unspeakable.com; www.plannedparenthood.org

Thank you for writing, and again I apologize for taking so long to answer you.

Reviewed by Sexual Health Editorial Team