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Question:
I can not reach an orgasm due to a big figth with my husband about a month ago never happened to me in the last 20 years do I need theraphy?
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Answer:
by Kelly Ace: (04/20/2007)
Most people find it difficult, if not impossible, to have an orgasm when they feel unsafe, angry, hurt, or confused. You mentioned elsewhere that your husband was very drunk at the time of the fight and that he abused you physically, emotionally, and sexually. It’s hard to feel safe, relaxed, trusting, and open to pleasure when involved in an activity as intimate as sex with someone who’s hurt you like that. It’s harder still if the fight stirred up memories of earlier trauma or bad experiences. So, while your lack of orgasms since then may seem disappointing or unusual, it is probably also quite normal under the circumstances.
Whether this is the first time your husband hurt you or the 100th, it’s very important that you talk with someone who can both help you both explore your feelings and develop a safety plan. You can call the National Domestic Violence Hotline toll-free from anywhere in the USA by dialing 1-800-799-SAFE (7233). [If you use a TTY, dial 1-800-787-322.] You can also check out the resource section in the phone book (these pages are usually blue) and look under “Domestic Violence,” “Abuse,” “Mental Health,” or “Counseling.” You can also get information by going to www.ndvh.org – but only if you are sure that your husband cannot monitor which websites you visit.
Now, if you ask women who’ve been in similar situations why they are hesitant to get help, they often say things like this:
He’s sorry and I believe him when he says he’ll never do it again…
I’m too embarrassed…
I’m afraid he’ll find out and try to stop me…
What happened was really my fault…
Talking with a therapist just proves I’m crazy…
It won’t do any good…
I don’t want him to be arrested/lose his job/be humiliated…
I’m afraid he’ll leave me …
You may have similar worries and concerns. But, please don’t let that stop you. Your husband has a problem managing his emotions and his drinking, at least sometimes. (Plenty of people get drunk, but most don’t do what your husband did.) This type of problem tends to get worse, not better, on its own. So, there’s a good chance that another fight like that could happen – even if he’s sincerely apologized. You need to protect yourself. If you have any children, you need to protect them, too.
Talking with an experienced professional is one of the best ways to both help you heal and stay safe. When those things are underway, you may find that your orgasm concern resolves on its own.
Best wishes, Kelly Ace
Reviewed by: Patricia Fawver Ph.D. in Sexology
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