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Question:
I'm 21 year old, and I've been in a committed
relationship for a year and a half. We are having
problems sexually, and I can't explain to him why I act
the way I do. We're both confused and frustrated. I
noticed shortly before we began dating that I felt
differently about sex in general -- uncomfortable with
it, seeing it as being used, so I wouldn't really instigate
it. Then, I began to have no desire, to see sex as a
chore or favor to him, and now I try to avoid it. I'm
uncomfortable with being touched on sexual areas. I
jump at it and feel uneasy. The only way I can have sex
without grimacing/hating it is to use a certain tool to
relax and enjoy it and/or concentrate on thoughts of
anonymous sexual situations I would otherwise find
disgusting. I feel my body is being damaged or
mistreated or that I will get vaginal infections. When I
think about sex away from him, which is rare, it is
with some disgust. I wish he would just touch me on
my back and face and other comfort areas instead of
trying to touch other places like he wants.
When I read your symptoms for sexual abuse survivors,
I cried because it described me. The only thing is, I
don't know if I was sexually abused. Are there different
kinds of sexual abuse than rape? The most traumatic
experience I (not fully) recall is a night in high school,
probably the most incoherent night of my life, where I
feel now that I was very much taken advantage of in
the worst way by 1 or 2 people. Right after that night I
felt only fear and terrible shame for a long time for
what I'd ended up doing. I'm not sure how I even got
into a bed at one time, but I would NEVER have chosen
to do those things. It took me nearly two and a half
years to talk about and get an HIV test. I certainly
tormented over this, often daily, for a long time, and I
wondered if this might be the cause of my
disgust/avoidance of sex. Also, can sex with very little
lubrication cause vaginal irritation/infections? Please
help -- I'm confused.
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Answer:
by Wendy Maltz: (05/25/2004)
It does sound as though you are suffering from sexual
symptoms of past sexual abuse. Rape is only one type
of sexual abuse. And rape can be orally, anally or
vaginally. Molestation, oral sex, fondling, even
watching someone else be abused or having to pose for
pornography are all types of abuse. The experience you
describe might have been "acquaintance rape or
molestation." In my book, The Sexual Healing Journey, I
go into detail about the different forms of sexual
abuse, how to determine if you were sexually abused,
and the steps to sexual recovery. Having sex with your
boyfriend now, when you don't want to and when it
feels abusive to you, is not a good idea. I recommend
you talk with a therapist or a counselor at you local
rape crisis center to begin processing what happened
to you in high school. You are not alone and the type
of reactions you are having are normal for the history
you describe. Until you get help and support, this may
not be the best time in your life to be involved in a
sexual relationship. You don't want to do things that
reinforce a negative view of men and sex. Disgust is
not an emotion that you can side step. It's a signal that
something doesn't feel right and needs to be
addressed. In answer to your specific question about
lubrication and infections: a lack of lubrication often
results in a feeling of dryness or a burning sensation.
Irritation to the vaginal walls can make them more
susceptible to infections. Check with your doctor. It's
best to get tested and treated for vaginal infections as
soon as you think you may have one. Some infections
can indicate sexually transmitted diseases, and some
sexually transmitted diseases can cause infertility and
other serious problems if left untreated.
Reviewed by Sexual Health Editorial Team
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