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Question:
Almost everytime I have sex with my boyfriend, just when I reach the climax point I go "crazy". I shake and fight to get away. This makes me cry and I have been told that I almost look like I am going into a seizure. When he asks me if I'm alright I don't want to talk about it- I don't like hurting him this way, and I think I have gotten better as time goes on. How can I accept the pleasures of sex without going nuts? Why do you think this happens to me?
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Answer:
by Annette Owens: (05/26/2004)
Thank you for contacting us at The Sexual Health Network. What you are experiencing during climax is called an "automatic reaction." It sounds to me as if your "going crazy" during climax is a reaction to the rape three years ago, which you were telling me about. You can learn how to deal with automatic reactions and I will tell you how.
Since questions and answers are posted on our site I do want to give other readers a little more background information: You are in your twenties and lost your virginity three years ago when you were raped by an older male. Your up bringing included strict religious morals about not having any sexual relations before marriage.
After the rape you became depressed and considered suicide. You did not mention that you have received any counseling to help you get over the experience and instead of taking medicine you believe in "letting the mind heal the body." I admire your strength and I do want to help you find ways to let your mind heal your body. You could probably benefit from professional counseling to help you deal with what happened in the past. But you might get a long ways on your own as well. I would encourage you to visit the section on our website www.SexualHealth.com called "Healing from Abuse." I would specifically suggest that you read Wendy Maltz' book "The Sexual Healing Journey." This book has a whole chapter on automatic reactions, including suggestions on where they originate from, how to recognize them and how to try to change your behavior.
When you are having such a reaction, Wendy Maltz encourages you to recognize what is happening, to stop and calm yourself down by changing your breathing pattern and using relaxation techniques, and to affirm your present reality. Remind yourself of that you are now in a different situation than when the rape happened. Now you are with a loving partner and you have many choices and options. As you become more aware of and responsive to what is happening with you, the automatic reactions will diminish over time. I do want to encourage you to read the entire book; it is an incredible resource for survivors of past sexual abuse and for partners, family members and friends of someone who has had negative sexual experiences. Besides being very informative in a gentle way, the book gives you some tools to work with if you wish, including exercises you can do alone or with a partner. Wendy Maltz also is an expert on our site and she has a website called www.HealthySex.com.
My final comment to you is that I find it extremely positive that you can enjoy sexual contacts with your boyfriend and that you can reach orgasm with him. I would encourage you to talk to him about what happened to you in the past, if and when you are ready to do so. You are in full control of what you want to convey to him, but it might make it easier for him to understand your reactions and to realize that this has nothing to do with him and how he touches you. Also, try to not feel ashamed about the rape. What happened to you was beyond your control and was a criminal act against you. Now the situation is different. You have full control of your body, about what you want to do and where to go from here. I encourage you to go on "The Sexual Healing Journey."
All the best to you
Annette Owens, MD PhD
Reviewed by Sexual Health Editorial Team
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