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Question:
I have a boyfriend who was sexually abused by his stepfather when he was young. He is now 30. He confronted his abuser when he was 22 and he is now in jail. Everthing was fine, including sexually until a couple of weeks ago. I initiated sex with my boyfriend but he said there were times when he doesnt like being touched. I respected his feelings & since then have not tried to initiate anything. However, he has been physically and emotionally distant since that night. He doesnt see and talk to me as much, claiming to be busy with career and studies. I feel very rejected but am trying to be patient. He has not had any counselling or therapy for what hapenned to him. He says up to now, he feels guilty or at fault for it. I dont know what to do, whether to leave him on his own to sort out his feelings, or take steps to get us closer together.
I feel really rejected that he seems to not want me anymore. Whenever we are together, he hardly touches me, not even in an asexual way. Its beginning to affect my life in a big way- I feel very low everyday & either dont feel like or am unable to do anything that requires focus- like study for my exams. Why is it that night had such a dramatic effect on our relationship? why doesnt he want me to help him out with his problem with intimacy? he had a girlfriend (who also was sexually abused when she was in her teens) for four years & they lived together. I have only been with him for less than four months, half of which time he acted like a love struck teenager, and half of which he's been the opposite. Why is he acting this way? What can I do? I've tried to talk to him about what's happening but he says the problem is with him, its not me. I asked him what I should do & He said I should just be my normal self. It is difficult to talk to him if it has anything to do with the abuse, He either gives an excuse or says that he doesnt want to discuss it.
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Answer:
by Wendy Maltz: (06/24/2004)
It's sad when someone you care about is unwilling to get help for a serious problem.
Your boyfriend is obviously not ready to address his past sexual abuse and its repercussions at this time. The most you can do is let him know that you care about him and feel that he owes it to himself to get help. Research estimates that one in five males are sexually abused as children. Your boyfriend is not alone. Help is available and recovery is possible. Do some soul searching for yourself and get in touch with what you need for a successful relationship.
From your letter, it sounds like you need emotional sharing, physical affection, and a partner who is willing to face his past. Assert your needs directly to him and see what happens. If he doesn't want to work towards a healthy relationship, then take care of yourself and move on. It's a very personal thing when a survivor is ready to change and no one else can determine if, when, or how that occurs. Sexual abuse harms a person's sense of trust and safety in the world. It changes how strong we feel in our ability to control our own bodies and lives. It disturbs our emotional and sexual development. It's about as intimate a wound as a person can suffer, short of murder. And that's why just one night of molestation, or even a one minute rape can have lasting effects. There is no reason, though, why a person who experienced abuse need suffer. The first step towards recovery can be just a moment away.
Reviewed by Sexual Health Editorial Team
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