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Question:
I just turned 40 and my husband is 55. We have been together for 15 years. I have no sexual desire. I may want to have sex once a month. I'm sure that is due to my ovulation period. He says if he never initiates the sex, we wouldn't have it. He is right. I don't know why. We do have sex at least once a week. He would like it more often. He has used sex in the past as a weapon. Also, the only time he kisses and hugs me is when he wants sex. I have told him numerous times that I want him to be affectionate all the time, not just when he wants sex. He doesn't listen. This has been going on for I guess over 5 years now. When we do have sex, it is satisfying.
I just dread it though. I love my husband and usually have sex with him so that he won't get mad. To relieve his stress...I know he needs sex to feel loved. Most men do. What about my needs? I tell him all the time that I need other things besides sex to feel loved. My husband works hard. He helps with dishes, laundry, etc. He doesn't drink or smoke. He is my ideal man. I just don't how to fix our problem. I have no sexual desire. Do you think I need to see a shrink?
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Answer:
by Erika Evans-Weaver: (11/29/2009)
Thanks so much for writing in. I think your question includes a number of important issues that can benefit a lot of people, so thanks for reaching out. So to begin, I would like to go over the sexual response cycle. Early theories on sexual response cycle believe that it is made up of excitement and arousal (when you are thinking about sex and the feelings and behaviors that are prompted because of the thoughts), leading up to plateau or orgasm (the peak of the sexual experience) and then resolution (coming down from the sexual experience). More recent theorists such as Rosemary Basson have learned that this model of the sexual response cycle isn’t really accurate for the experience of women. It is found that women have many reasons for engaging in sexual activities, reasons other than sexual hunger especially when in long term relationships. The newer models of the sexual response cycle for women show the importance of intimacy, feeling connected to their partner and relationship satisfaction which can include the impact of past positive and negative sexual experiences. In these situations, it is not always the case that the woman doesn’t want to be sexually involved. It’s more likely that the desire for intimacy needs to engaged with conversation, direct stimulation, watching or reading of erotic materials or her version of romance, this jumpstarts the sexual arousal. Once full arousal occurs, sexual desire emerges and a woman feels more motivated to continue with the sexual experience. I want to reemphasize here that the goal often times is not always orgasm but personal satisfaction, which can occur either physically with orgasm or emotional satisfaction.
I have outlined all of this for you because I think this is important information for you to know because it sounds like the emotional needs you are seeking are not being met. When sex becomes used as a weapon like you are reporting, then it’s normal for your personal desire or interest to diminish. It also sounds like coercion is occurring from your husband to get you to have sex. This is not ok. If you say no to sex then a partner needs to respect that. If a partner uses coercion for sex or if they have sex with you after you have said no, then it is rape and that is illegal even if it’s your husband. The only person who should be in control of when you have sex and what happens to your body is YOU. From the statements made in your question, I am concerned this is not occurring and that your boundaries are being crossed. For this reason I urge both of you to seek out couples counseling in your area to address these issues. It is very important to understand that these are not your problems alone. Your lack of desire is NOT a reflection of how you are as a person or a partner. It’s a symptom of a much larger problem in the relationship which involves the both of you. Here are some resources I would like for you to use. On the website for the American Association of Sexuality Educators, Counselors and Therapists (www.AASECT.org) and the American Association of Marriage and Family Therapists (www.AAMFT.org) you can find a therapist by going to your state and finding who is available. Pandora’s Project (www.pandys.org) is another resource that provides support for survivors of rape and sexual abuse. Please seek out assistance from either one or all of these organizations for more assistance. Let me know if you need anything else. Good luck!
Reviewed by: Kathleen Scarbo (VanKirk) DHS
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