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I am 24 years old. My first sexual experience was in 8th grade, I must have been 13. I was at a birthday party watching a movie amongst other friends when my "boyfriend" of 1 month fingered me under the blanket. I felt violated but didn't feel confident enough to say no. At 14 I was molested by an aquaintance in the ditch in my neighborhood after finishing a handle of vodka with him and 2 other friends. I first had sex at age 17 with a not so serious boyfriend who dumped me shortly after. I had a serious boyfriend at age 18, but the sex wasn't fulfilling for me. In college I drank and slept around with different people. There was a night when I blacked out and, according to those I was with, jumped off a cliff. I think I was raped or sexually molested in some way, because the next morning I found twigs and leaves down my pants and in my underwear.
I've been dating my boyfriend for 3 years now. We were good friends in highschool, I've known him for 9 years. Our sex life was amazing when we first started dating, I imagine due to the fact that we were often apart, so the distance made our sex drive, or my sex drive, much stronger when together. In the past year, our sex life has struggled. We now have sex 1 or 2 times a month. He has a very high sex drive, while I've not been driven in the least. He's been very patient and has been suffering because of personal issues I know I have but can't pinpoint.
He's been out of town for a week and is coming home this evening. I love him so much and have missed him extremely. Last night after drinking with co-workers I went home with one, Ryan. I ended up sleeping with him. I feel as if I fulfilled a desire that I've been denying myself...the desire to experience sex with other men who I don't have to commit to in any way. Although, while with this Ryan, I realized instantly how much I love to have sex with my boyfiend, and how I don't think sex with anyone new could ever compare. However, I am still sexually driven by the thought of being with new and different people.
I am being selfish and deceiving. I want to commit to my boyfriend, to love and respect him for the amazing person he is. I want to satisfy him in life as well as in bed. Sex has been a big issue for us, in fact, probably our only issue.
What can I do to rid myself of the me I just don't want to be? Quit drinking...yes. Alcohol is an issue, but what about the thoughts I think that secretly haunt me of times/experiences I wish were never mine? Are these past experiences what's affecting the sexual desire I have for my extremely attractive and intelligent boyfriend?
I'm at a loss, I don't know where to pick up the pieces. I want to be with my boyfriend and I want to make him happy. I don't want to cheat on him. I want to help myself so this doesn't happen again. Please help me.
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Answer:
by Raven James: (01/25/2006)
Well there are certainly many issues to consider when responding to your concerns, so let me go through them one at a time and see where we end up.
First of all, I want to say you are quite brave in sharing your pain and past experiences. It takes a lot of inner strength to revisit a painful past. Did you ever talk to anyone about your experiences? A friend, or counselor, or anyone?
It is quite common for past experiences of abuse(sexual, physical and emotional) to affect our present lives. Often, we find ways to numb ourself from pain, some through drinking or sex, or relationships, or more pain. The trouble with trying to bury the past is that we bury it alive, and unless we find healthier alternatives for dealing with the past, the pain resurfaces when we least expect it.
Alcohol is a great depressant, literally. It dulls the senses and affects our mood, mind and bodies. If a person is depressed to begin with, using alcohol will only make the situation worse. Its like treating the depression with a depressant!
It also sounds as if there is shame associated with your past experiences. Remember that you are not to blame for what happened to you and you aren't a bad person because bad things happened to you. Shame has a way of making a person feel like they are worthless and undesirable, and one way some people deal with it is to engage in self-destructive behaviors, almost a form of self-punishment. The problem with that is that it doesn't help either. Cheating on your boyfriend can be a form of self-destructive behavior and it can perpetuate a cycle of continued shame. The shame can be relieved by acting out again with sex or alcohol, but it ends up being a vicious cycle. It sounds like you may need a way to break that cycle and start to feel good about yourself again.
Being depressed from your past can affect your desire to have sex, especially if sex is part of the reason you feel badly in the first place. Its like - sex triggers the shame, and so you don't want to have sex even though it feels good physically, because it is making you feel bad emotionally. Also, from what you describe, there seems to be a family pattern of the female not being able to satisfy the males higher sex drive. These familial patterns can play out for individuals in their adult relationships unconsciously, but it seems you have an awareness of many of the issues you need to come to terms with and this is great! Many people spend years in therapy just trying to get to that point, so you are ahead of the game.
Another pattern I notice is that when you drink, you lose the ability to control your sexual behaviors, either by your will, or someone else's, and this can be dangerous, as you also know. One of my suggestions to you would be to spend some time to find a therapist that you feel comfortable with, one who is understanding and knows a lot about sexual abuse and alcoholism. If you just stop drinking without therapy, the pain may get worse from not having that old coping mechanism. Therapy will help you pinpoint the problems and find new coping strategies. They may suggest AA meetings or even treatment. They may suggest anti-depressants and therapy, individual and/or group. Any of these would be a way to break the cycle and any of these would be healthier alternatives.
How willing are you to do the work? Emotional healing is a lengthy, exhausting task, one that can take years, but one that will never begin if you don't take the first step. I know you want to please your boyfriend, but I want to urge you to do this for yourself as well. Sometimes, wanting to please a partner is what gets a person motivated to change, but in the end, you have to want it for yourself, or you may not see it through. If your boyfriend loves you, he will be there for you. You can't be there for him until you can be there for yourself first. You are worth it. Keep telling yourself this if you want to give up and it seems hard. Recovering from abuse is difficult, but rewarding. There is much to be learned from our suffering. Giving up is the pain of death, but death of the old is birth of the new. It sounds like you want a new start.
Take that brave self and get some support. Look in the yellow pages for counselors. Call a crisis center or sexual assault hotline, they can help refer you to someone if you can't decide who to call. You can do it. Please write back if there is anything else we can help you with. Signed, Raven James.Reviewed by: Patricia Fawver Ph.D. in Sexology
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