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Question:
Dear Wendy, I am a single woman, who has
survived childhood sexual abuse, rape, physical and
emotionally abuse. I have done a lot of healing. I feel I
want to move forward in my healing and learn healthy
sexual pleasures. I have had a hard time in
relationships, because; I am always very emotional
after the act of sex. I especially hated when a man
would put his finger in my vagina. I know this is a good
way to express for play, but for me it triggers; when
one of my abusers would force there finger inside of
me. I was 10 years old. He would keep banging it and
say just a little longer. I feel very sad and hurt when I
am with a man I care about, and he does this and all I
can think about is how this person I care about is
making me sick inside. They are not trying to do it. I
know the memory comes from my experience of being
sexually abused. I have read your book, The sexual
healing journey. I healed and learned a lot from it. I
have been through counseling and I attend a support
group. It all helps but I want to start taking back my
true sexuality. I am ready to truly feel my sexual being
and I am tired of living in the triggers of these abusers.
The first step I feel a real loss from not being able to
give my virginity, the free choice from me. I accept
its, gone but I want to claim it again in a renewed way.
I hope you can understand my letter. I want to ask you
for some input. Can you see where I am at in my
healing and tell what steps to take now.
Thank-You
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Answer:
by Wendy Maltz: ()
It is very important that your present day lover
respect your history and sensitivities and not do sexual
behaviors which replicate the sexual abuse you
endured!! Many partners do not realize that this type
of teasing or pressuring is reminiscent of the abuse. If
allowed to continue, it will harm both the physical and
the emotional trust in your relationship. You may want
to have your partner read the chapter for intimate
partners in my book, The Sexual Healing Journey, or
refer to Laura Davis's book, Allies in Healing. Also, my
video, Partners in Healing, can help partners
understand the dynamics of the situation and how to
help with the intimate healing process (call
1-800-678-3455 for ordering information).
Sounds like you've done some excellent healing work
already. Remember that being sexually abused is not
the same as freely opening your innocent heart and self
to a lover. In this respect virginity is more a state of
mind than of body. No one can take it away from you!
You can feel the innocent and loving spirit of your
virginity each time you make love to a partner you
love and respect.
Wendy Maltz MSW Reviewed by: Kathleen VanKirk DHS
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