|
|
Ask a Question
Question:
I have a question I am posing on behalf of my wife of 12 years. She is an amazing woman, the survivor of sexual abuse by her father from age 6 to age 17. She is now 42 She has undergone no formal therapy and is not comfortable with the idea. In spite of this,she has done a remarkable job of coming to terms with what happened to her and healing. I do know that before we met, she underwent many of the problems you describe in your books - guilt in finding pleasure in sex,
inability to achieve orgasm, fear of physical intimacy etc. She seemed to have dealt with the problems fairly well by the time we met. Shortly after we entered into an intimate relationship she became orgasmic with a partner for the first time (she never had a problem achieving orgasm through masturbation). We have had a loving marriage and two beautiful children. The reason for this note is that even though we have a
'successful' physical relationship, the shadow of her abuse does still hang over us. Sexuality, while enjoyable for her is seperate from love. I sometimes believe she has sex more to please me then because she truly enjoys it, although once we get started she enjoys it to climax. To become aroused she has to detach herself - to almost run a movie in her head in which she is not herself but an anonymous woman. There are activities she does not feel comfortable with doing as they trigger flash-backs. She still has
occasional nightmares and she suffers from a poor body image even though she is very attractive physically by anyone's standards. I know compared to some survivors problems, this may seem insignificant, but it pains me that she still suffers for this even a little. I have no complaints for myself, but I was wondering if this is as 'good' as things can be expected to get for her or is it possible/probable for her to expect to be fully 'whole' once again. Any suggestions you have would be appreciated but please keep in mind she would be very unlikely to agree to therapy.
|
Answer:
by Wendy Maltz: ()
Your wife and you have done very well with sexual
recovery on your own. How much more healing can
occur, is hard to say. I believe that sexual healing has no limits. When a survivor is highly motivated and has continuing acceptance, love, and support from a partner, anything is possible.
It's best not to make becoming “fully whole again” the goal of recovery. The abuse happened. That’s a fact. It’s a chapter in your wife’s history as unchangeable as a military veteran’s experience of having fought in a war. Recovery has to do with understanding the past, releasing feelings related to the past, and moving forward and beyond the past with new, positive experiences. While your love is powerful medicine, it’s really up to your wife how far she wants to go with her sexual healing. She has to want to address the persistent problems with nightmares, dissociation during sex, and poor body image.
Professional therapy is ideal, but she may be able to make some good progress; by
journaling, reading about specific types of healing, talking with you, and focusing on loving herself more. It helps to develop the attitude: “I’m not gonna let what happened to me determine the quality of my intimate experiences.”
I know of many survivors with similar histories and circumstances as your wife who surprised themselves with how passionate and free they became in their sexual relationships overtime.
My book, The Sexual Healing Journey: A Guide for
Survivors of Sexual Abuse (HarperCollins), contains special sections on improving body image, overcoming dissociation, and integrating love and sex. In particular, I recommend doing the “Hand-to-Heart” exercise described in the section on relearning touch techniques. In addition, together you may want to read the poetry anthology I compiled and edited entitled,
Passionate Hearts: The Poetry of Sexual Love(just released in paperback by New World Library). These poems describe the beauty and joy of healthy sexual intimacy in an on-going committed relationship. It’s sex at it’s best -- the opposite of abusive sex. Team learning helps. The more educated you both are about healthy sexuality, the easier it will be to explore new, pleasurable territories in your sexual togetherness.
http://www.healthysex.comReviewed by: Patricia Fawver Ph.D. in Sexology
|
 |
This question appears in the following topics:
|
|
|
