You're in a really difficult situation and I sympathize with you. It sounds like you've come to terms with your lesbian identity but that you are in a culture that is not very accepting of lesbian women. The question of whether or not to come out is a very serious one, and it could have some very big ramifications on your life.

I think there are two seperate issues you are tackling here. First, you are dealing with the question that most gay, lesbian and bisexual people deal with at one point or another: Whether or not to come out.

That is a decision that no one can make except you. I can talk a little bit about the potential benefits and drawbacks to coming out, but I can't tell you what the right decision is.

If you decide to come out, you may find that it is not as bad as you think it is. You will stop feeling the need to hide, to pretend to be interested in men when you aren't, and to act like someone you are not. Of course, if you are in a relationship, this is a decision that will affect your partner as well. Many gay and lesbian couples struggle when one partner wants to be out and the other does not. I would normally suggest speaking with a relationship counselor who is open to gay and lesbian couples, but in your situation, that might be hard to find.

Some couples find that they can compromise by partially coming out. They agree to tell family and close friends on a need-to-know basis without having to disclose to work members or other people who might not be so accepting.

You are probably already aware of many of the drawbacks to coming out. Especially in a culture such as yours, you risk things such as personal injury and the loss of friends and family who disapprove of you.

As I said... it's a very difficult decision, and one only you (and your girlfriend) can make. Perhaps you can make it a little bit at a time. Instead of deciding to be out to everyone, think of someone you think would be accepting. Think about whether you could tell that one single person. If you decide you can, see how it goes. Then decide whether you want to keep doing it.

There is a second issue here that I think is seperate from your decision to come out. That is, you seem to be worried about your girlfriend's sexual identity. It sounds like she is not as invested in a lesbian identity as you are, and that sounds like it scares you. It could be that she is bisexual, or it might be that she feels like she is mostly heterosexual and happens to be in love with you, another woman. These things do happen sometimes.

I think you should think about the following questions:

1. Does it matter to you if your girlfriend is not a lesbian? Why? If she decides to stay with you, how do her other attractions play into that situation?

2. Do you have a secure relationship? It sounds like you're afraid she will leave you. That is an issue that both heterosexual and same-sex couples have to face at times. It's never easy, but it is one of the things that comes with having a romantic partner.

3. When you come to some conclusions about 1 and 2, you need to decide (preferably with your partner, but alone if you must) what you would like to do about it. Do either of those factors warrant breaking up? Do you want to seek outside help from a counselor?

I wish I could give you an easier answer for this, but the bottom line is, a lot of these things are your choice. The only thing I can tell you is that your fears are, in my experience, very normal. You are certainly justified in having them, and I hope my thoughts on the matter helps you to find some answers in yourself.

Good luck,
Blaise

Reviewed by Sexual Health Editorial Team