I'm 29 and have been in a relationship with a man for the past 7 years. When we first started dating we had terrific sex; I wanted to all the time (every morning and night) and so did he. He moved several hours away (due to a job!) after about 6 months of intense dating, and our sex life dwindled over the next year. I'm pretty sure I had some abandonment issues; in any case I explained my weaning desire as being mad at him for moving away. For several years it got worse (I could only get really aroused if I'd had a few drinks) then, about four years ago, we started living together again and I got over being mad at him. I started getting the desire back -- not like it had been when I was 22 -- but I really wanted to be sexual with him and enjoyed it when we were. Then I started having lubrication problems; even though I wanted to have sex and felt excited, I wasn't lubricating. As I'd always had a lot of natural lubrication -- even while being only slightly aroused, this was concerning, but it was sporadic.

Then for two years we both had a rough time, career-wise, which reflected on our relationship, I gained 15-20 lbs, had a bad body image, and all of a sudden, it was so hard to have sex. I wasn't interested in having sex at all with anyone, but when we did have sex -- about once a month, there wasn't much lubrication on my part, and just "orgasms" that I'd squeeze out, in kind of a contraction simulation.

Over the past year, I've lost the weight through exercise, job situation got better for both of us, quit smoking after 10 years at 10-20 cigarettes/day, and have recovered a desire, but I'm still experiencing 1)what I'm finally beginning to believe is a lack of orgasm and 2) occasional vaginal dryness (not total dryness, but not enough lubrication always to continue without me thinking about it). Oh, and I don't masturbate, never have. I can stimulate myself until I feel like I want to pee, and that's about as aroused as I get. Peeing doesn't feel like a release. So there's no point in it for me unless I'm with a man.

First, does what I've written sound like anything to you? I really want to get help, but now we're living in Poland. Do you have anyone in your database who is based here and could do hormonal and blood flow tests? Is every woman capable of orgasm? If not, are women who aren't capable of orgasm aroused during sex?

Sorry for the length, and thanks for any help you can give me.

Best,

Andrea

First, it is very possible to have an orgasm and not know it. Orgasm is very difficult to explain, especially in women, and any description someone gives may not at all be words that describe what you are feeling. The word "contractions" is sometimes misleading and you said several things, like feeling the need to pee and "pushing" into orgasm that suggests that your body is at orgasm. It is so individual that it makes it hard to tell.

What is even more important though, is your description of enjoying sex so much that you wanted to have it many times a day in the early years of your relationship. That type of enjoyment is more important to most people than just having an orgasm, which can be quick and over as the highly aroused sensation diminishes.

Changes in the way your body responds is very normal as we grow older. When our bodies are young they are more likely to lubricate "enough" as you describe and many of us as we grow older need to supplement that lubrication. That can even enhance the arousal. Couples get lubricants that are water-based (Vaseline and Baby Oil are oil-based and NOT recommended at all because oil does not wash up well, breaks the latex down in condoms, causes infections to occur). Getting lubricants (found in stores that have K-Y Jelly and other water-based products) such as Astroglide (or any others that have scent and feel that you like, and using it in your sex play can add a component that is highly arousing.

I also applaud you for taking good care of your health because the blood flow that is increased by good eating, eliminating smoking and exercise is VERY helpful to the blood flow to the genital area which is needed for high arousal feelings. It can make an amazing amoung of difference in how you feel about involving in sexual arousal.

Certainly the stress in your life can affect the amount of lubrication you have and your enjoyment of sex. I see you worrying now in your writing and suggest that what I see could be very normal changes as your relationship has evolved and your age increases.

Enjoying your sex life without having expectations is very important, so taking out the worry and just enjoying may be what you need. Finding things that can spark your interest in each other, trying different lubricants and other enhancements may add to it as well.

Almost any endocrinologist can do the tests that you ask for. We have no one special in Poland but doctors there could give you the results you need. It sounds as if you are fine, just need to enjoy your time together and talk together about what you might like to try that will continue to increase your excitement together. All couples go through this.

Thanks again for writing and feel free to ask more questions if you have them.

Reviewed by Sexual Health Editorial Team