Answer:
by Larry Siegel: (06/24/2004)
Hi and thanks for taking the time to write in. I wish I could say this was a unique issue but, unfortunately, it is pretty common; especially among young men. There are a number of things you could do to help but I will point out what I think are the 2 main things. First and foremost, I would strongly suggest that you make sex a process, not an event. By that I mean that you take all emphasis off of orgasms and ejaculation and focus on the process of being together and sharing pleasure. When we get too focused on the outcome (ie, orgasm), it's easy to project expectations, fears, disappointments, etc. so that we end up feeling far more anxiety than pleasure. I would say this is especially true of males, who seem to be more focused on performance than passion. By removing the need for orgasm, you are free to enjoy each other and explore the many ways of experiencing sexual pleasure with one another. Remember that having sex involves far more than just putting a penis into a vagina. The second thing I would suggest is to COMMUNICATE. Assure him that you don't judge him; that you're not interested in his performance. Reinforce that it is HIM, not his penis, that you want to be with. Then talk about all the forms of sex you would enjoy that don't involve intercourse. It might also be a good idea to explore how you get easily aroused by yourself and see if there are things that can be shared with your boyfriend. Most guys find it a turn-on to see their partners pleasure themselves.
I know this is a lot to do and may not be easy. It's not always easy to talk about sex with your partner. Also know that we can arrange a consultation on the phone if you would like. In the meantime, I hope this at least starts you in the right direction. Good luck and take care.
Larry SiegelReviewed by Sexual Health Editorial Team
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