Question:
My girlfriend and I are both bisexual. We have been in a monogamous relationship (albeit long distance) for over a year. She is very assertive sexually, and I am not, so much. This seems to cause some problems ~ sometimes she will become so involved in being sexually dominant, that I seem to "lose her" during sex. We've talked about it and I feel uncomfortable saying something DURING sex. The way I normally deal with it is by pulling her closer to me so that I can see her eyes, and just holding her there. Granted, this normally brings an end to lovemaking, but at least we are both there with one another. On the other hand, when I am more sexually aggressive, she seems to view me as "acting feminine." Strange, huh? Perhaps this is because she is used to having sex with more aggressive females, and so when I am more aggressive, she sees me more as a female.
The whole issue of dominance has become covertly anxiety-producing for me and it only seems to come up with women (with men the issue doesn't really seem to arise for me).
Let me know if you have any insights. (Cognitive-behaviorally oriented methods seem to work best).
|
Answer:
by Blaise Parker: ()
Hi,
First, allow me to apologize for my delay in answering your question. You may have already sought other outlets for this problem, but, in case you haven't (and, as you will see, I recommend you do!), here are my thoughts on the matter.
First, it sounds as if you are both already doing one thing that is very important--communicating. I think that perhaps a disconnect in sexual styles is quite common in partners. It sounds as if you are hurt by the fact that she becomes lost in the sex act itself, rather than being there with YOU. However, I am not sure whether you (and she) are feeling that you would like to be more aggressive, or whether you would like her to be less so.
I am also not entirely sure from your letter whether your girlfriend likes it or dislikes it when you are sexually aggressive. Does she like you to act, as she says, "feminine"? Or dominant, as the case may be? Or does she prefer for you to be more passive? Your girlfriend's sexual history may be an issue here as well, since, as you say, she is accustomed to being with more aggressive women. You also suggest that it may have something to do with uncertainty around your sexual orientation--yet another factor to consider.
In any case, my instinct is that there are multiple things going on in this, and that it may be too much for me to handle via the Internet. I suspect that you may wish to bring this up with a therapist or a couple's counselor. I do wish I could be of more assistance, but I am not trained in therapy and I would not want to tell you something that may make this problem worse.
Best of luck!
Blaise Reviewed by: Scott Gross M. Ed.
|
