Suddenly he refused to let me in the bathroom, to see him naked, to let me touch him, he shrinks away like he is terrified if i try, He sleeps with several layers of clothing and seems to be obsessed with cleaning his teeth, and cleaning his house.

All this and yet he tells me that he cares for me more than anyone he has known before. He is 49 and has never been married,although handsome and financially independent. His work is very rigid and structured and requires a uniform.

He has no friends and goes nowhere socially unless I instigate it and then it is with me alone. I managed to persuade him to visit his place of birth for a holiday each year since I have known him and he hadnt been back there since he was 14 years old. We had a loverly time and some sex but it was very unloving and he cannot bear any heavy breathing or talking, kissing such like.

After a lot of feelings of rejection i delved into things deeper and found out about aspergers. My partner refuses to admit he may have this one minute and the next blames his sometimes lack of social skills on his aspergers. I am so confused and am not even sure if my diagnosis is correct.

I guess the thing I find the hardest is that he continues to want our friendship, buys me gifts, chocolates on a weekly basis, tells me he would do anything for me but any attempt on my part to talk about sex and he clams up and accuses me of being "sex Mad". He also seems obsessed with the way he looks, teeth, hair....losing it and being overweight (he is 6ft 2" and only 32" waste so he is far from overweight as he believes.

The thing that I find hardest about this whole situation is that we did have a sex life at one stage and periodically when on holiday etc it seems to come back but the rest of the time nothing!

When I met him I noticed a video on "Joy of sex" in his home and when I asked about it...he told me he bought it to try and see what everyone goes on about so much but that on watching it he thought it was rubbish!!

I do remember the first night we ever slept together he muttered afterwards "Thankyou for restoring my faith" so he must have felt something then. he says sometimes that I am "heavy"....bizarre considering I am only a size 12 and in comparison to him very light.

There he is this big strapping handsom guy who incidently asked me out initially all be it to a fictitious party... and he wont let me near him yet he says I am the most important person in his life.....What can i do......I am now on antidepressants and he has no concept of the part his behaviour has played in this.

Is this autism, aspergers and is there any hope for us to resume intamacy??

Its all very baffling to me

While I am no psychiatrist, or psychologist, the behaviour you describe sounds like out-of-control OCD (Obsessive-Compulsive-Disorder) with underlying Aspergers/Autism.

It is really up to him to seek help, assuming he can acknowledge there is a problem, but you can help the process along (as you have done in the past) by finding a suitable psychologist or counsellor that can have you both in a session, where you go along initially and then is just him, so he can look at a whole range of issues including coping, resisting change, dealing with intimacy and of course, the OCD. Assuming of course, he is amenable to the idea.

She or he may refer you to a psychiatrist for assessment and diagnosis, especially if she or he feels he does have autism, needs assessment and diagnosis (there is no treatment for autism - however a greater understanding can help alleviate some of the more overwhelming problems) and it's also important to see a psychiatrist if there is indication that medication may be of assistance in reducing anxiety.

As I said, you cannot force him to do anything he doesn't want to do.

For you both; There are a number of good books available, including the new "The Other Half of Asperger Syndrome: A guide to an intimate relationship with a partner who has Asperger Syndrome," by Maxine C. Aston (88 pages) which I have not read, but heard good reports about - that you could read and leave 'lying about' accidentally, on-purpose.

Best Wishes

Melissa BEE

Reviewed by: Scott Gross M. Ed.