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Question:
My husband and I are in our 40's and were married last year. Prior to marriage he didn't have an extremely strong sex drive but we had sex several times a month and occasionally more often but since we've been married (7 months) I have been lucky if he has been interested in sex once a month. Now it has been almost 2 months and he doesn't even care that it bothers me. His erections are fine. Even when we have sex he may stop right in the middle of it and say he's tired and that is the end. He calls it "saving some for later". He hardly ever ejaculates and for that to happen it has to be rear entry. He says that I am too concerned about sex and that he likes to cuddle. Cuddling only goes so far and I am feeling unloved. He must be masturbating or else I would think he would have desire occasionally.
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Answer:
by Rajendra Sathe: ()
It’s rather difficult to opine on this issue on the internet. However, I will give some reasons as to why this could be happening and you may be able to follow these leads and resolve the issue.
Sexual desire or drive (libido) decreases gradually with age in men and women. Many reasons are known to contribute to low libido but the common ones are: stress and fatigue at work, medical ailments, side effects of medications, dissatisfaction with a relationship, lack of physical attraction of the partner, etc.
Testosterone is the hormone that is said to primarily control sexual drive. Production of this hormone begins at puberty and spurts in the late teens and twenties. As one gets older, the production of testosterone wanes but usually never totally stops. However, there are certain reasons why a man's libido may be affected at any point in his life, but it is usually between age forty and fifty that some men experience what is known as andropause (male menopause). Like women this can occur earlier or later in life. In fact studies show that chronic stress and fatigue can cause testosterone levels to drop!
First, in your case it seems that your husband could have an intrinsically lower libido (as compared to you) because of the fact that he did not marry till he crossed his forties. However, I cannot say this for sure because there is no way by which I can interview him and its difficult for you to find that because he may not want to reveal his sexual history (masturbation or partnered sex) to you.
Second, his comment of ‘saving for future’ suggests that he could be having a longer refractory period (the ‘after orgasm’ loss of desire and erection) and that is remarkably variable in men. Refractory period is normal in men and is known to increase with age.
Third, his feeling of tiredness in the middle whilst having sex is rather unusual. He could be having some other medical problem that he isn’t aware of and a complete medical examination with special focus on heart aliments and blood tests to determine testosterone levels are indicated.
Needless to say, my suggestion is to seek an opinion of a physician and a sex therapist before coming to any conclusion as to why you are facing this problem. I have tried my best to give different possible causes contributing to his problem. In all probability, your notion that him wanting to masturbate instead of having sex could also be true but seems less likely.
Editors note: In therapy, you might also explore gender orientation and/or erotic orientation issues. Dr FawverReviewed by: Patricia Fawver Ph.D. in Sexology
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