It is not unusual for men to enjoy pornography for masturbation. Most young men (sometimes as boys) begin masturbating to visuals that most people would label pornography. He probably has been getting aroused this way for many, many years.

Something that YOU may have been doing for years, is reading love stories in novels. Many women begin their fantasy life through those. When we begin early in our lives enjoying our fantasies, they sometimes stay with us for a lifetime. It doesn't mean we always masturbate to them, but we often find fantasizing very pleasurable.

The second issue that you bring up, is that your partner masturbates (or you think that he does) when he is not with you. Masturbation is a very different sexual arousal and act than partner sex. Many people enjoy it. There is no pressure. You can use the fantasies that work well for you. You can get the exact pleasure that you need, and don't have to worry about a partner's pleasure. Because someone masturbates doesn't mean that he/she doesn't love the partner. It is just another form of enjoying sexual pleasure, similar to enjoying certain activities YOU enjoy doing by yourself, rather than having a friend do something with you.

Several things I would really like you to explore with your partner, may give you answers, and open the communication between you.

You mentioned that you wish that he would show you 'love' while you enjoy sex together. You may need to tell him exactly what that would look like to you. I know, many of us want our partner to know what we want, but I am guessing that you may not have ever told him EXACTLY what behaviors and feelings you want him to express that will make you feel loved. And it is possible that sex is sex to him, and that there are other things that he does or would love to do that has to do with showing you his love.

He seems to have told you what he enjoys during sex (and seems to 'need' as you describe it). It is possible that as a young man, the fantasy that he had with wanting others to join the sex, was part of what he got turned on to. It is actually very common for men to fantasize about having two or more women having sex with him. (Of course, most of the erotica that is out there that shows the man enjoying the attention of the women, but doesn't show him doing as much stimulation to them, so it is a very self-serving but popular fantasy - which is why it works better when you are alone and masturbating. No pressure)

Since you don't know whether he masturbates or not, and he may be too embarrassed to tell you just how much, since he may believe that something is wrong with him as well, (remember men don't talk about these things, or have as many magazines to find out what other men are really doing!) I'd really like to have you engage him in a conversation about it. Show him my answer in this email. See if the two of you can begin to understand what your history with erotic arousal has been before you met each other.

Because you have been together for a long time, it is also possible that he finds it harder to get as aroused as he once did when you first were together sexually. He may need to have some of those fantasies, and it has nothing to do with you. You seem to do lots of things that would arouse him, yet couples often need to add other things, change things in order to keep the level of intensity high. (Another reason why people masturbate - they can try things out by themselves, to get high arousal.)

Keep in mind, sometimes as we get older and have been in patterns, that it can get harder to keep the passion high, and since males often feel that erection and arousal is something they must have, they feel the pressure to perform.

I don't know if this helps any, but you can always write back and get more answers.

Reviewed by: Kathleen VanKirk DHS