I'm in a happy marriage of fifteen years and couldn't love my husband more. However, I have been having a secret affair for the past year with another man. Although, my husband and I have a very good relationship, he is not a sexual man. Until I met this new guy I had never experienced passion or raw sexual chemistry with anyone before. I feel like he's reawakened me sexually. I don't want to leave my husband but I also don't want to stop this amazing sexual experience, either. I feel like I need to do something though, because my conscience is finally getting to me. What should I do?

Unfortunately, that particular person isn't always the one you end up being in a long-term relationship with, or even marrying. Sexual chemistry is a funny thing - a strange combination of pheromones, sexual mentality, hormones and attraction. On the one hand, you must feel as if you deserved finding such a person after the wait of fifteen years or more. On the other hand, it came with a high price...namely, your integrity. It doesn't sound as though you and your sex partner have intentions of being anything other than just that: sex partners (which actually helps in not complicating things). I am not one, however, to give the advice of "don't ask, don't tell". If you cannot live your life openly, I'm concerned that the negative effects of dishonesty will weasel their way into your current relationship -- if they haven't done so already.

I am assuming that your sex partner knows that you're married, since you've probably had to schedule sex around your marital relationship. I can't help feeling that the way you're handling things is a bit selfish. Affairs happen, and they are ALWAYS a symptom of something else in the relationship not working. I question how "happy" your marriage really is, especially since your husband doesn't have the benefit of knowing that his wife is screwing someone else. Sexual chemistry is a beautiful and, indeed, an amazing thing but I don't think it is worth lying over. I think you can acknowledge now the blessing in having had the opportunity of rediscovering yourself sexually (despite how it happened), but you also need to deal with the responsibility that comes with marriage. If things aren't sexually what they could be with your husband, you should be addressing it with him instead of with someone else. Many times, when affairs happen because one's "partner is not sexual enough"; I find that the person having the affair had never even broached the subject with their beloved. Perhaps, if you gave this man whom you claim to love so much the benefit of the doubt, he might surprise you - but then again he might not. In that case, you at least have the satisfaction of knowing that you truly tried. What you need to do now is to make a decision about how to deal with the situation - openly.

I've seen times couples recover from a situation like this by rediscovering themselves sexually, by possibly negotiating sex-only relationships outside the marriage, by settling for the fact that there are other things they value more than sex and thus staying in the relationship despite it; or, if the value of a sexual chemistry is too great to lose, by walking away from a good long-term, but sexually dead, relationship. Get honest -- if not for your husband, then for yourself. I have a feeling that your conscience will only get louder.

Copyright 2005 Libida.com and Dr. Kathleen Van Kirk

Reviewed by: Kathleen VanKirk DHS