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Question:
My husband seems to have an overactive interest in pornography and correspondence with others regarding sex, but doesn't seem to have much interest in intercourse with me. We have a healthy and happy relatinoship in other areas and he is an affectionate man. I have asked him about it and he has assured me that there is not another woman and that he still finds me sexy, but feels pressured about having sex. Because intersourse happens so infrequently, I am not sure what type of pressure he could be feeling. Can you help me in understanding how a male is so much more interested in watching or reading than actually doing?
The feelings of rejection that I am experiencing are difficult to hide and are starting to interfere with other areas of our relationship.
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Answer:
by Robert Birch: (05/21/2004)
Let me first of all state the obvious: Men are more interested in explicit visual material than are women. Less obvious, perhaps, is that a man can enjoy the visual stimulation of a variety of women and still love their wives and find them sexually attractive.
However, if a man begins to pair masturbation with visual stimulation, the experience becomes more than just an appreciation of the female body. The visual stimulation becomes a trigger for arousal (which is not unusual among younger men), but the use of graphic material becomes conditioned by capping it off with a self-induced orgasm. In a sense, the pleasure of the orgasm reinforces the behavior and it is likely to be repeated. Some will then label the behavior a sexual addiction and others will call it a sexual compulsion. No matter the label, it can certainly interfere with an intimate sexual relationship with a real live partner.
I am always reluctant to brand a man a "sexual addict" or a "sexual compulsive" because he looks at and enjoys pornography. If he is masturbating, however, and if he is avoiding his primary partner, then the label would seem to fit and his relationship is in jeopardy.
On the other hand, it might be simply a visual enjoyment and your husband's avoidance might just be that his sexual drive has begun to decrease as a consequence of reaching his middle years of life. Some slowing can be expected.
It might also be that he has begun to worry about his performance, fearing that he will be unable to obtain an erection or that he will fail to meet your expectations. If his anxiety increases when he thinks of having sex with you, it will be easier for him to avoid even trying. There is no risk if he does not start something he fears he will be unable to finish.
Attempts to be seductive might be interpreted by him as pressure to perform. Rather than trying to be subtle, I would recommend that you confront him. Tell him you do not expect him to get a quick erection and it does not even matter if he doesn't. Tell him you miss the physical closeness and get him to agree to schedule (yes, schedule) playful non-demand massage sessions. Take the pressure off and just snuggle, caress, and play. Get back in touch with the sensuality that has apparently been lost in all this worry about getting the job done. Focus now on the process of being sensual, rather than on the goal of being sexual.
It certainly would not hurt of you seek the guidance of a qualified sex therapist in this, for it will help if you have someone who can give you "behavioral homework," and then see you the next week in order to talk about what had happened and had not happened. To find a qualified sex therapist in your geographic area, visit the website of the American Association of Sex Educators, Counselors and Therapists (http://aasect.org).
Robert W. Birch, Ph.D., Sexologist and Adult Sexuality Educator
Reviewed by Sexual Health Editorial Team
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