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Question:
I'm very attracted to a man with a spinal cord injury, but when we've tried to be intimate, I find that I'm very
self-conscious because the focus is more on my pleasure than his. I'm used to there being an obvious sign of a man's
arousal (erection) and feel awkward being the only one who appears to be aroused.
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Answer:
by Elizabeth McNeff: (05/15/2004)
You've done a good job of describing your problem, but have you done as well in talking to this man? If you have, keep
talking. If you haven't, start now because that's the key to this issue.
Our sexual experiences leave us with images and memories--such as erections and fast breathing--that can lead us expect
what we've seen before. Perhaps you and your partner need to create new images and experiences to replace the old ones.
How will he look and act when he is sexually aroused? Where does he like to be touched? Does he get pleasure from giving
you pleasure? Spinal cord injuries often leave people with new erogenous areas which can bring intense pleasure, so it's
important to find out what works for him. And don't assume that just because there's no erection, there's no pleasure in
intimacy. Take the time to talk to one another, acknowledge your mutual attraction and find out what turns you both on.
Then define the relationship in terms unique to the two of you.
Patti McNeff
Reviewed by Sexual Health Editorial Team
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